I feel.

Thoughts swirl over and over again. wanting to come out but never do. If they come out they are in some form of cheesiness or I don't convey what my heart is wanting to say. Life, can suck. Life is painful. I know all to well that that is it is not fair. I know that you can choose to pick up the pieces wipe yourself off and go again. Sometimes I don't want to go again. Sometimes I want to stay on the ground and take my time wiping my hands and deal with the pain and hurt of unfairness.

I really have no idea how I turned out the way I did. I have no idea why my life wasn't more of a mess like down in the gutter mess. I think back and look at everyone who has been placed in my life and I search the memories but only bad ones , ones that hurt little girls come to the surface. I wish it wasn't so. I wish it wasn't always like this. I wish that the triggers would be gone. I pray that I can see something or someone and not feel such despair, grief and sadness.

Joy. Only 12 years of Joy. 12 years of some normalcy in life. 12 years. Not along time. I have no idea what my future holds. What it holds in my relationship with my kids or my husband and my peers. I just know that for the rest of my life I can only have hope that it gets better. Hope that it won't hurt.

You my readers have no idea what Hell I was in as a child. I don't share much. I have a hard time. But last night was bad. Nightmares. I could only think of one thing. I had a strong urge to tell you to PROTECT your kids. PROTECT and yes SHELTER your children. They need it.