Tuesday, March 12, 2013

God's Plan

I am not one to always question God's plan. I know that he has plans far from what we can see. I believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes reason we can't see now or maybe never in our life time.

I believe he places people in our life for a reason. He places these people just at the right time. If you look and search you will find that.

Uncle Brad's Death maybe something I can never fully understand. I don't cry out to God on why Brad had to leave us. In my heart I know it had to be for a reason. I do get angry. We all know that is just hurt. Hearts break and the life we know is put on pause. Each day you muddle through the day. You have a memories....

There is a new show called the Bible. We where laying in bed watching it and I looked over to Jeremy and said " I know your brother would have loved this show!"

 He would have been researching it for us and coming back with all these questions and answers. He would have spent hours upon hours researching it all. Things like that make me smile but at the same time make me sad. Sad that I never really saw the depth of his soul in full.

I look at my children...I never want them to stop wondering, pondering and dreaming big.

I had a twenty dollar bill in my wallet ( rare for me to have cash) and I went to pay for my coffee...as I drove away from the drive-through tears filled my eyes. During the process of planning Brad's celebration of life Papa ( his dad) had said if " He ( Brad) had 20.00 bucks he was a millionaire and if he had a place to lay his head he had a home"

Sometimes it will hit you when your not searching, when your not thinking and it hurts. I hurt for his parents and his brothers.

My Step-mom has a football size tumor with other tumors growing on it in her stomach. She has been part of my life since I was 13. She has a been such a huge blessing to our family and even if her and my dad are not together, she is grandma to my children and a wonderful friend to me. She goes out of her way to make sure we are okay. On my bad days she is here doing laundry, helping mop, clean the bathrooms and watch the kids.
The tumors have not spread to her other organs. That is good news...but until they remove the Football size ( imagine that) tumor we will not know if it is Cancer or not.

I could not imagine her not with us....and that makes me sad. I can only pray that they remove it all and it is not Cancer.

I try not to worry. Impossible.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Keep Going....

Keep going...

You have people who depend on you. You have yourself ( that little scared girl ) who needs you.

Remember your fears are Satan's way of attacking you. Attacking your dreams. Your-self worth. Your hopes.

"Your body will never be healed" These words had more then just impacted my life. They changed my life. I try not to believe it however my body tells me different. My legs hurt...my back and hips hurt.

People mean well...they say stuff like walk more...stretch....join a class at the gym. I smile. I am sure they think I am curled up in a ball on the couch watching TV all day. I am sure they think this was all my fault due to not exercising.

 My BFF doesn't exercise and she is thin ( an can eat me under the table)  and has not had 6 back surgeries...but if she did it would not be her fault due to the fact she was thin.

Have a daily plan....

Working on it. Trying to incorporate all aspects of my life into plans.

My baby goes to school next year. I think it's time for another kid. What will I do with out him? What will I do with myself?

Put those pictures into albums!

Wow, one thing on my list..ha!

Working on the boundaries....

Let's just say it has been hard...sometimes you need them people to help you. I don't call and ask. That is hard...but I don't want that kinda of relationship. I want one that will go both ways.

We helped a family member this last week by getting her into a trailer to live in. She had been living in a dump. It was gross. No hot water to bathe. It was on a chunk of un-kept property. She was happy there...but deserved so much better. God fit everything together and even though she is living in a newer trailer now...on a great piece of property I could not imagine how that would feel. She is over the moon in love with her new place! She is grateful..

Please pray for her...she called today to let me know she could not babysit for me tomorrow...they found a soft-ball size tumor in her stomach. Here she is worried about how I will find a sitter for tomorrow and I had tears running down my cheeks praying as she spoke...Please don't let it be Cancer. Please God...


Healing for me comes through writing.( I really want to write a book!)  I don't know if I was brave or stupid to write the last post. I do know that I am not the only one who goes through this life without struggles...and I only hope to help or relate to others. Sometimes I just need to vent.

In Other News....

Crazy neighbor herself called my daughter Overweight to her face. Nice huh? I should have kicked her out of my house..She said.." yes, you are overweight and need to learn to deal with it. Maybe you should just be funnier with your come backs when kids tease you"

Ummm..Hello Crazy...she is ONLY 7!!

Ugh...they are moving soon..I hope so..They leave garbage all over, so now we have a raccoon problem..and they don't know what yard work is so I have to look at the mess everyday. I went to clean up my fence line and crazy came out, yelling at me. I guess she likes leaves and sticks and spiders and bugs...I don't. It is my property..I am paying to dispose of it..we are going to just take down the fence to finish up the spring cleaning..she will have nothing to say. She was upset that I didn't ask to go and clean up the fence line. Calling me disregardful...hahaha...as her kid is climbing in the neighbors tree fort and throwing sticks in the other neighbors yard...this neighbor does not want kids back there.. Her kid was climbing in my tree in my front yard...only an hour after she got  mad at me. Really?

 I have never lived by a crazy person in all my life....It hurts. You try to be kind. I have wonderful relationships with all my neighbors and I have lived here just about 9 years. I have prayed for God to show me what I have done wrong...I have not really gotten any answers on it yet..but I am sure I have had my part in it....like not asking her if I could go on my property and clean up the leaves and sticks and garbage.

I ask God what should I be learning from this.....he asks us to Love thy Neighbor as thyself. I thought I was doing a good thing....I have even mowed their yard for them, blew the leaves for them and never even got a thank you...

 I am  " Go big or go home" kinda woman.  I love big and hurt big. I help out anyone I can when I can... the people who really know me, know this to be true.

My girlfriend came over  with some hair products...and she gave me firm instructions to only use a little bit...She knows me! I use it..I think a need a tad bit more. The whole time I am using it I am very careful to only use a little bit. My little bit turned my hair into a mess!

I texted her...I used to much product this morning! ha....

Her response was....hahahaha OMG I love this text! xoxoxo I got my daily laugh.

She so knows me!

Sorry for the long post.....I have a pinched nerve or something in my neck and have been just a tad bit bored. Feel free to comment me some advice , a funny joke or story!

~ Enjoy your life!