Saturday, March 12, 2011


Thursday I was told that I would need another surgery. I would arrive Friday night and surgery would be first thing on Saturday,

The surgery was to take about 3 hours and 3 hours turned into 7 hours. They did a fusion. They needed to go into the front to place a plate ( like a c-section) and into the back to place the screws.

I was not as anxious this time around. I was sitting in my van before going in and praying. Praying hard. Praying for my anxiety ( as I have huge issues with dying and medications) and I felt calm almost like an expert. I mean having 5 surgeries you do just go with the flow. You get used to doctors, nurses being knocked out and coming to all the things hospital's bring...

I don't remember where I woke up or much of it. I normally do remember most stuff. I hate waking up and always cry.

This time I had about 3 nurses telling me that they had to to do chest compressions. I died. My heart stopped. I have no idea for how long or what really happened. Things are pretty vague. The only thing I could could think of was the fact God was with me. His plan for me is more then I know.

But lets talk about how this incident has fed fuel to my my anxiousness and left me feeling out of sorts. I have no idea if this common thing or if something went wrong during the procedure that caused this ( duh, I am sure it did) I just don't know. I am waiting for the report.

I feel good. I am sore. For all of you moms out there who have had or are going to have C-sections I feel for you. It hurts. you can't laugh or roll over, cough or sneeze without it being painful. I don't even have a baby to take care of.

Thank you for the prayers if you prayed for me. They where needed.

It reminds me that prayer is always needed.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pain Pain go away...

Don't ever come back ANY DAY!

Olivia loves it when I walk her down the stairs at least 3 times a night. Her anxiety from being away from me is growing more and more apparent. I am hoping that it does not transfer over to kindergarten. I pray for her nightly that she will not have tummy aches or physical signs of anxiety.

I told her I could only walk or crawl to her one time and she needed to stay in bed. I explained to her that I will be needing another surgery and then I will get better.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said " you'll never be fixed".

That crushed me.

Her whole little life she has heard way to much on how mommy can't do this or that.

I fell very fortunate that I am home with them. Pain or no pain I wouldn't want them not here with me. No matter how bad my days get. No matter if they see me laying in bed for hours while the help is out in the kitchen or living room.

They have always given me a reason to get out of bed. Shower and put my best foot forward ( even if it is only my left foot ;) They are my sunshine on my worst days. They can fight all they want and sometimes it is just music to my ears. This will all be a distant memory.

Today I will find out the next step in the process of being "healed" or "fixed" what ever the heck you want to call it.

Seriously, it can go away.....

6 years is a long time to battle anything..

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Lemon Pop

Seriously...this kid has an obsession with lemon Juice. He calls it his pop and drinks it straight from the bottle. Yuk!


We celebrated both of my nieces birthday's this last weekend, I was not on skates ( but I DOOO love skating) but Jeremy being the trooper he is took the kids out on the floor. with help from their aunt & Uncles they had so much fun.

Miss America has already asked if we can do her party there next year.

Aww..Snow days

Finally..a bit of snow to make a snowman!! Olivia has learned to roll the balls...however we had 3 balls all over the yard and she wasn't sure how to get them on top of each other.

Dad to the rescue!!

Why all the Post's?


I am in pain. I can't do much of anything. I feel as though a Mack truck has driven right over my arse and someone is rotatiling their garden down my leg.

MRI last Friday has shown ONCE again that I can't catch a break. My disc has herniated.

Pain has taken over my life. Don't try to sneeze, wink, walk or cough it just might bring you to tears.

After 3 days of why me thoughts and questioning why God would do this to me AGAIN I finally gave up. If everything works out for his glory then I must TRUST that. Do you know how hard it is to trust when you can't walk? Your right leg, butt and feet are so numb, they have no idea that they must move when you do?

I just felt as though I had finally or was finally coming to terms that I would have chronic pain. I had my medications where we needed them. I started counseling to help me grieve the life I had given up and the life I was going to embrace.

I try not to focus on the bad parts of this, if I do Satan creeps into my mind taking me to deep places and them deep place create full blown panic attacks. Which I can say happily I have over come them ( so far)

Medications have no been revised which allow me to function but not at the pace I am used to. I crawl down the stairs and up the stairs to do laundry. It makes me happy to do the laundry but not so happy on how to get there.

I have much more time for my kids now. I am not wiping my counter 50 times a day and walking behind them picking up messes. Somethings have to go....

Jeremy said to me last night as I was crying about how much pain I was in , that he could see it and that this is his reality too. I never really thought about that. I know he misses the old me. I know Matthew misses the old me.

I don't grieve over that. I am still who I am. They get all I have to offer. I still make lunches, I still clean up after them and I still love to spend time with them. Some of things that suck are not being able to take off on a whim, go to the mountains, go swimming without help or do things without asking for help. I can see where they would grieve these things.

So , here I sit working on the posts about 5 minutes at a time...but it helps me. I have always said blogging to me in therapeutic. I miss it. When your in a funk and life seems to be out of your control lthe last thing you want to do is share anything. However, I am in a funky spot and life will always be out of control.

So I play the waiting game...what is the next step? More then likely another surgery. Making this number 5. I would have rather had 5 kids not 5 surgeries.

Pray for me but most of all pray for my family.

iheart Valentines Day

iheart ( yep, watching way to much icarly) We had a fun time at home. I think that's what happens when you have 3 kids and it is a Monday night. I even got Jeremy to decorate a heart shaped cupcake. I love these tins. You can do Jello or Brownies in them. Our local Target sells out of them by March.

I love to make goody bags for all the holidays...This is the best thing about being a mom.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Happy 3rd Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday on the 3rd to my baby. My loving, sweet, funny, growing up to fast baby. We enjoy everyday with you.


What happens when 4 of your cousins take a hold of each limb, swing you has fast as they can to throw you on the bed...missing the bed and throwing you right into the doll house.

I was NOT fond of having to hold him while they put the dislocated elbow back to its rightful location.

Broken Hearts

As many of you know that Grandpa went to be with his Lord and Savior 3 days after he celebrated 71 years of marriage to his bride.

It has been hard to comprehend on some level. I can remember feeling his hands, soft and yet strong, the night he died. Kissing him on the cheek one last time. His last words to me personally was that I was a good kid and he loved me.

Tears would come and yet I know in my heart he is at peace. Peace that I want to feel here on earth. He was at peace here and I know he is at peace there.

I could go on and on on what a great man he was. How 5 of his children turned into incredible people. How his wife was his best friend, how he loved each and everyone of his grand kids and great grandchildren.

For me, I never had a grandpa. Mine had both passed away when I was a baby.

I don't know if he knew that every time I called him Grandpa it was an honor in my heart.

That is the only thing I WISH I would have said to him.

White trash way to clean dog poop

From your child's boots....

Hang your childrens boots up side down your white picket fence..keep them out there for about 2 weeks..and there you have it.

Why we LOVE the Credit Union

You can get a tattoo. Mom can place that Tattoo anywhere you would like. In some cases your five year old could sport a "tramp stamp" unfortunately she has way to many of them..Hope this gets it out of her system