Sunday, January 23, 2011

Nothing Is More Important

One thing I am learning is family loves you no matter what.

No matter where you have been , no matter what you have done they will accept you , love you and never judge you.

A few weeks before the holidays we got news that Grandpa would not be with us much longer here on earth.
He needs 24 hour care and Jeremy and Matthew have both spent nights over there taking the night shift. Grandpa still can remember everyone and besides being tired and weak he still has encouraging words and prayers for everyone. He knows he is going to be with Jesus soon and reminds us every time how important it is to have a relationship with Jesus.
Watching him say goodbye to us every time we leave there always makes me cry. watching him with my kids, my husband, his kids, and his wife warms my heart every visit.
They will be married 71 years tomorrow. My heart is full of admiration for them and for the entire family.
We adore them.
What a blessing.
Every visit is never taken for granted.
Nothing, Nothing is more important then your relationship with family.


I have been video taping alot more then taking pictures. This is just about all the pictures I have for Christmas 2010. Maybe I should find a balance??

I could have posted pictures of me looking like crap at 8 am but I am not

Princess Hair

For 2 months she has be begging to get her haircut. She no longer wants her "princess hair"

Princess hair is a what her dad has been calling her hair since she was little. She would spray half the bottle of detangler on her hair and all over herself , bathroom mirror, and her brother Her dad was no fond of the idea of cutting her hair but she convinced him that she would be donating it to Cancer patients that really needed hair and they don't want to spend their life bald. Of course he said yes but not without HUGE reservations.

She has never been to a salon , so it was all new to her. She sat quietly and then admired herself when it was all done. Came home and had her hair in pony tails and clips. admiring her Princess self. She loved it.

Until this morning....she wants her back.

really really really wants her hair back....

I feel sorry for her husband...she has that" just go for it attitude "( like her mom) then will regret it in the morning.

I love her..
Sorry about the least you got some ;)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Days Of The Week

Just run into each other.

I was on a good blog roll.

However life gets in the way. Or my children get in the way of my blogging. Always needing something. That is fine with me. I am their mom and I have really have no problem taking care of them. Unless the yell, demand and scream at me to fulfill their need. Then I of course return back to the computer avoiding them.

Like I am doing now. We are at my friends house and I am ignoring them. Letting her deal with them. I am thinking of crawling into her bed and taking a nap. I am tired today. Maybe it is all the rain we are getting but it seemed impossible for me to get out of bed this morning.

Guess what I did?? I left the bed unmade, dishes in the sink, crumbs on the counter and toys thrown across the house. Yep, I didn't realize you could actually do that. What a freeing feeling. The house will survive.

I will survive. Unless of course I don't get a nap.

Carter will be turning 3 in a few weeks. My baby. My uterus is wondering why it is not doing its job. Okay, that would just be me and my thoughts about wanting another baby. Seriously, 3 years old? Preschool next year, one in Kindergarten? One in Highschool?

My Oh MY!!

I have reading arm. It is kinda of a funny thing. Well, I am hoping it is nothing serious but My elbow and arm hurt. I think it is the way I hold the kindle. I truly believe that Kindle is the best invention ever. I have finished 3 books in 3 weeks. I am starting to feel like I have some me time. Okay, so they are jumping all around me trying to click the next page button but I power through each chapter hoping I retain at least some of the book.

My arm does hurt. I don't really think it is from reading but I am praying it gets better.

Finished painting the hallway and downstairs. I didn't do it but it is done. It makes me feel so good. Jeremy accomplished quite a few " Honey do List" projects. It has been a productive week. Blinds are cleaned, cupboards have been Murphy oiled and laundry is all caught up.

Yesterday I had to go to Costco for the milk run. Crazy lady with 8 gallons of milk coming through. I can hardly maneuver the darn cart. Darn you Costco. You damage my checkbook every month.
Darn you chocolate covered raisins....I mean one weakness and you can buy them in bulk!!

Well, I better go and help with the kids.

Not that I want to.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Life Is Good

Life is good for the moment. Okay, Life is always good. Yes, I have had my fair share of trials lately.

However my Life is GOOD.

Last night I went for a massage. My back, and my upper body have been hurting so bad. The stress of the attacks center right in my shoulders, neck and arms. It was a good massage but I am still very tense. So I booked another one. I am grateful my husband understands this is part of the therapy to keep me going. I wish it was a relaxation massage but it is more of a keep me going massage.

The kids are running around and they actually have clothes on. Now that is a surprise to all who enter.

House is a wreck. That's okay. I enjoy blogging ore then cleaning up the toys, banana peels, plates, cups, 3 loads of laundry and taking out the garbage.

It will get done..

Just after I finish the whole pot of coffee...

Monday, January 17, 2011


Oh, I have so many pictures to share with you, but this dinosaur of a computer is having a hard time. I think it will soon be extinct.

Then maybe I can convince my husband I need a new laptop.

No school today. Not sure if I should be happy about it or sad. I am happy not to go anywhere but a sad they will continue the day fighting. I will go crazy, locking myself into my room, eating every piece of left over Halloween candy I can find then have to parent all day.

Unless I take off going to Target to find deals I just can't live without giving the checkbook a run for its money but of course I have already done that.

A very special person sent me an email last night. I wish I would have read it last night. I had already done my make-up this morning when I read it and I could not stop crying, okay, sobbing like a baby.

I can't email her back quite yet because I am sure I will cry, and it is very hard to type when you have been crying. Her email was full of faith for me and my family. Her words where reaffirming that I am loved, valued and cherished.

I ask of you to tell your loved ones the beauty you see inside them. To give them uplifting words. Not because they are at an all time low or because they are at an all time high.

Just because.

Because you care. Because you value them.

It might just mean more to them you even know.

When I was going through my stuff I quit blogging, I quit facebooking. I was so messed up I just couldn't log into the computer.

I would occasionally and I was surprised at the few emails I got from people asking how I am doing. How God had put me on their heart. People that I would not normally call and go to coffee with but people I care about. It made me feel good.

Who are you going to bless today by your words?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Spiritual Sunday

Spirituality is not defined by bumper stickers, fish logos on your mini van, how many outlines you have in your Bible, if you wear a cross necklace or if you go to church regularly.

Now these are all good if you want to share your faith and make sure everyone you come in contact with does not go to Hell but accepts Jesus as their Savior.

All was quiet a few minutes ago. Now they are circling my space like a bunch of fruit flies.

My chest is heavy. My thoughts are deep. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish for one day my body would not hurt. My leg pain would not be a constant reminder of where I have been and where I am now.

I know what I need and that is a strong relationship with God. God will try us, but he won't temp us. Only the Devil will temp us.

Just as if your thoughts will discourage you and depress you. Your thoughts are the most powerful thing you have.

Years of being talked down to, labeled as the "fat kid, fat child, the bully, the loud one, the one who just couldn't seem to get it right know matter how hard I tried. I spent years and even now feeling "just not quite good enough" Not good enough for my children, my husband, my kids, my friends and even God. Most of the later feelings came after the chronic pain. I am learning to live life with the pain but in order to do that I must get through the poor me, self pity crap.

I never gave up. I never let those the thoughts really define who I am. I just pushed them to the side. I stuffed them. Then I ate to console those feelings of inadequacy. Uncontrolled emotions because on the inside I had no stability or consistency in my life or in my thoughts.

Do I have faith or fear? Do I have Joy or hatred?

I ask for a soften heart in my marriage and with my children. I ask for the worry to be gone and the pain to be taken away.

My thoughts are are mixed. Some times deep and dark other times uplifting and I feel as though I am on the road to recovery.

I can control panic attacks. I am worth it. I am worth more then I feel or think at times.

When my thoughts are deep I can ONLY cast all my fears and anxiety on him because he cares.

I will be okay.

My house will not be okay. The kids have tore this place up in the last 20 minutes. They are now fighting. I continue to blog ignoring them. Thinking about my to-list. It is long.

I am blessed. Beyond blessed. The kid just peed on my least I know his bladder is healthy. that is a blessing.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

Last to bed...

First one to wake up. How does that work when your the mom?

I seem to stumble to bed exhausted and stumble out of bed exhausted.

I woke up this morning to bring my beloved first born to a school function so he could give the teachers and the fellow students his eye rolls

But first I trip over one huge big fat stupid yellow Tonka Truck. Yep, that will leave a mark.

It is quiet here right now. I savor the moments. It won't be to much longer until my children decide it is time to face the world with their I woke up the wrong side of the bed gleaming smiles and want to snuggle.

I can hear the hum of the dishwasher..what a great moment. I love the fact I have a dishwasher. for many year I didn't. I had a place for one. Bought it new. It was just hooked up wrong. So for 6 years I just looked at it. In retrospect...who in the heck does that???

Miss America just woke does she know I am awake? She went to bed at 11pm, very very late for her. Now she will be crabby pants all day. No nap or I will be forced to stay up with her till 12am. Making me Miss crabby pants tomorrow.

I think it is funny that people read my blog but don't say anything, don't comment once just to let me know that they are stalking me. It would help a great deal when I run into you in this very small town and you ask me something, I stare at you like your an idiot then I feel like an Idiot because later I realize I was the one who put it out there for the whole world to see.

Until tomorrow....

The Joy of the Lord is my strength

Friday, January 14, 2011


My kids have not ate breakfast and are running round with no clothes on. I will not disturb them because for once they are not fighting. The are actually enjoying each others company. I am waiting for the "she bit me" He pinched me" any minute or for the to come flying upstairs to tell me they need something in their demanding whiny voices then I would have to parent but until then you get me.

Joyce Meyers has to be one gifted women I tell you. I record and watch her everyday. It helps with the anxious feeling I have and hold on to, most days. I wouldn't say I am depressed but I can't disagree with a doctor. I still get up. I shower, I do not lay in bed , although I would like to some days.

One day at church I was in the commons trying to catch my breath. Trying to go back into the worship center and I could not bring myself to the doors.

A friend who had seen me asked me if I was okay.

Of course I was! Why would she ask such a thing my face was white as a ghost, I was sweating, I looked like death of course I was just fine. I was perfect. She didn't buy it. Not for a second.

I looked at her and tried to tell her I was FINE.

No such luck. she caught on.

Her story was my story although I would have never guessed it. I would have never thought in a million years she had the same thing. NEVER. She was put together. Expecting her 3rd child , looking beautiful and here she was telling me the medications I need to get on so I could continue my life. Talk about a divine appointment.

I tried to go to Target with my Best Friend for some Christmas gifts. 15 minutes into the trip I am not doing so good. I reach for my purse and continue to let her check out for me. I take her keys run to the car and cry. I sob. How did my life get so far out of control? Would I be one of those people who are at the store at 1am shopping? I cry even harder. I ask her why this is happening?? She has no answers and encourages me. Tells me to look at how far have come in the last 3 weeks. We continue. I even went to Costco that day! YIPPEEE!

Guess what? My kids have managed to find me....they are hungry. Dressed themselves looking like Orphan Annie and now bringing me their cereal boxes.

Until next time...Stay Busy blessing everything you can bless by the words of your mouth...and remember...The Holy spirit will not work if you complain.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Treasure In Every Trial

They last doctor told me that there was nothing else he could do for me. I guess 4 surgeries couldn't fix it Why attempted a 5th ?

I hit rock bottom.

I could not really believe that this was something I was going to live with my whole life. I didn't process it. I dwelled on it. I secretly held on to it. I worried about it. I felt low. Lower then I had expected

Pain takes the patience right out of you. It takes your mind to places you don't want to be. No amount of medication can or will fix it. You can't take your mind off the pain that radiates down your legs and through your back.

Your cautious of everything. Your worried about walking across a snowy parking lot, riding a ride at the fair , walking to long, pushing the cart at Costco with 8 gallons of milk in it. You know for a fact that when you get out there and do normal everyday stuff you will pay for it. I try not to think about it and just do. I look normal. I am so not normal, ask my best friend I have to keep going. If I don't then I Will focus on my worries , thus leading me to panic mode.

Going out to dinner is painful. Sitting for a mere hour can suck the joy right out of you. I should order a few shots of Tequila but I don't even though it would be a temporary fix to my pain. I might just laugh again.

Chronic is a big word. I hate the word. I really really really do ( did you get that?) and I hate everything about this.

But my new Mantra is ....I will find Treasure in every Trial. ( thanks Joyce Meyers)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Surprise, Surprise

I am 34 years old.

I have no stress in my life ( so I thought) I have a good life. Good support. Great husband.

None of that mattered. NONE of it. Zilch. Natta.

I continued having these episodes. I would run to my bed. Try to breathe. I can't. I have to relax.

There is no trigger. My body and brain feel as though it is not connecting. My eye keeps twitching. Sweat running down my back.

As a child I never felt safe. I never felt complete. I would dream of safety.

I did not feel safe taking so medications. I also did not know that switching medications can cause attacks.

As I examine my life I do have stress. I am the mom to 3 kids. I am the Take care of everything. look Perfect. House has to be perfect. Type of mom.

I would beat myself up mentally every night all at the same time I would give thanks to the Lord for the blessings. How does that work? Not sure.

I do not watch the news or anything about dying. I try to stay away from anything that can cause my mind to wonder into deep dark places. I can no longer watch shows involving abused, neglected children or read about children growing up in homes that are not stable ( I am not talking about your typical dysfunction) but stories of children beat and robbed of a childhood.

I hold on to it. I don't let it show. I don't want to be judged. I want to be perfect. I want perfect loving thoughts from my heart to my mouth. From my heart to my hands.

Striving for this is impossible.

Surprise. Surprise.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I am going crazy

Your heart is pounding, your chest aches, you can't catch your breath. You can't swallow, your arms are going numb. Your lips are numb, you feel faint. You feel CRAZY. Your going to die.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I think I am having a heart attack. I know for a fact I have not fallen in love all over again.

I am going crazy.

My stomach hurts. I can't think. I want to run and put on my shoes and run far way from this but I can't. I have to get help. I need help.

It is now 12 am and I can't control it anymore. I have my husband call 911. They hook me up to an EKG , my blood pressure is dropping extremely low I need oxygen. They bring me in to the hospital. They to are not sure of what is going on.

Run all the test they can. Everything looks good. They proceed to monitor me for awhile. My heart rate is well over 150 beats per minute. I still can't breath. I feel like I am going to die.

At this point they could tell me to take street drugs and I would do it. I would find a dealer and pump myself full of anything and everything just so I don't feel a damn thing.

Let me back up...the doctors had been switching my medications for about 3 weeks. I have a huge fear of medication to begin with. When your taking 5 different kinds of medication your simple wear yourself out thinking about how this might effect you. Then they go and wean me off one but put me on another. This is not working. They give me a new one. My stomach is in knots. I can't leave the bed except to go the bathroom. I am sweating. Not sleeping. Satan has taken over my thoughts and my body, Therefor increasing my
panic attacks. Another trip to the ER. I am have not been diagnosed with having the "crazies" but with panic attacks induced by drug withdraw.

I am prescribed 3 medications. I don't take them for a week. Thinking this is way to many pills for a person my age to take. They sit in my purse. I go back to the doctor. I have a small attack just waiting for him to enter the room. I breathe. I try to relax my body and bring my thoughts some place else. He gets upset with me and assures me that the medications will not kill me but make me better. He swore on a stack of bibles.

I go home taking the first round of pills. Nothing changes. Day 2 I take the days worth of pills nothing changes. I can't get out of bed. I am afraid to go the grocery store. I can't drive. I don't want to be home alone with the kids. I can't go anywhere. I tried church 3 times each time bolting out of the door like a mad women. I can't breath. I am dizzy. I can't do this.

I can't even read about
panic attacks because I will have one.

I am crazy.

I make an appointment to talk to someone. I find that this is very common. I start to understand what is going on with me. I read a few books. I have one book " Anxious For Nothing" that was mailed to me by an anonymous friend. ( thank you Thank You THANK YOU)

I have read it 3 times and go to it everyday.

I am not crazy.

The rest of the story will continue..but my kids have turned themselves into Mike Tyson in the bath tub.

Monday, January 10, 2011


Here it is Monday morning. I hate Monday's. Okay I hate most days of the week. All the days of the week always involve demanding children, bills, cleaning and relationships..days running into days. No set schedule. No pressing meetings that make me feel like I have any sort of life outside of this job ( Please don't get me wrong, I am BLESSED to stay home with them)

I have wrapping paper shoved into couch cushions, you would think because they are hidden I would forget about them. No such luck I know them little pieces are stuffed in there along with candy wrappers from Halloween, popcorn, pens, pencils but I know there is no money in there if there was I would be at the Casino

At least my tree is down. The holiday closet is back to normal ( all shoved in there) so I don't dare open the door for the fear of an Easter basket of valentines decoration hitting my head knocking me out ( not a bad thing) and then making me get really uptight at the lack of organization my husband possesses.

My almost 3 year old still eats baby cereal everyday. I have tried oatmeal, cream of wheat but no he insists I buy the 3.50 box of Gerber baby cereal. Can't you just eat crappy sugar filled Fruity Pebbles like your mom? I am willing to share.

My lights are still up around the house. Yes, go ahead drive by and laugh. The more you laugh the longer I will keep up my inflatables. I lost 3 inflatables this year. ( poor Santa ripped his pants) So I am stuck with the Chubby snowman ( that we bought when we where fat people so it was kinda funny) and a polar bear. I am thinking since my lights are red & white they will look very festive as Valentines day rolls around. Just remember that when you drive by.

Hoping the sun does not shine today. If it does then I will be able to see the art work my child has drawn in the dust on my black shelving. I hate black furniture. Dusting every other month day just doesn't cut it.

I am really hoping they have all day kindergarten next year. I really need my 5 year old gone all day it would really help her in her academic future.

It maybe snowing outside and colder then my freezer but I had to crack teenagers window today. I just about threw up in my mouth when I went to put his clothes away. Boys stink. Until you have a puberty stricken , sweat coming from every pore you will never understand the stench a boy can have.

I could give you a more inspiring post or something up lifting but this is my life. This is my therapy. Judge all you want. I really don't care. This is my 2011 resolution. If you want to visit me that is great. I am not going to worry if there is a million slimy soap filled hand prints on my bathroom mirror, toothpaste spit out all over the place ( I will make sure my toilet seat is free from urine) If my garbage stinks don't worry I will spray some really strong room spray so you gag when you walk in. Shortening your visit.

I have 37 clocks all over the house all in testing mode. Good thing I have 3 mantels through out the house. You can know what time it is everywhere you go or you can watch the clock and lie to me that it is time to go because my kids are screamers and fight over the stupidest stuff.

They are quiet now but that can change in about .1 seconds.

I am in my pajamas really contemplating dropping my child off looking like I just crawled out of bed but since I have to look like I have it all together and I stink I will shower and look some what normal when I drop her off. I wish we had drive Thru drop off. Now that is a concept.

Welcome to my blog. Welcome to my therapy.