Saturday, January 24, 2009

I was listening...

Some of know that I have anxiety so bad that I need medication on a daily basis to help me get through normal day to day things. I get overwhelmed with the simple thoughts of packing up the kids and leaving, cleaning for friends to come over, paying bills, shopping...It is not like panic attacks or crazy talking to yourself moments but it is real. It is something that I battle with on a daily basis.

As a child I grew up not ever processing anything. You learned quickly as you get older that everything is a process. To look one step ahead and and think through everything. I am learning that ability to think that we will get through each moment and it will be okay. It is okay to leave toys on the floor before you leave the house. It is okay that your bathroom mirrors are covered in soapy hand prints from your 3 year old who loves your "yummy smell" soap. It is okay that if someone comes by and your house is not perfect that it does not mean you are a failure. Deep inside of me I fear everything. Someday's it has over taken my ability to be a mom..not just an okay for the day mom but a mom who is so overcome with fear of not being good enough that she won't get up from bed. A mom who loves her children more then anything but some how thinks she will never raise them good enough.

So where am I going with this!?! Oh, yes...Yesterday i loaded up both kids..to go get a much need mocha and McDonald's drive-thru for Liv...When I was in the coffee line I heard God speak to my heart..buy the coffee behind you..I argued with him..what? I have very little money and this is splurge for me..what if she buys a 6.00 drink!?! He nudged me again...if I can take care of sparrows I can take care of you..So I pulled up to the counter..Told the lady i was going to buy the ladies drink behind me ( Really cool because what she ordered is on the computer) So I get my drink and the barista told me the lady had a free drink card and would I like to buy the car behind it a coffee? Nope, I need to buy the lady behind me a coffee..tell her to pay it forward..

My strength to leave the House..to get them ready and loaded ( this being the hardest for me because of my daily chronic pain) came from our heavenly father..it really did and I couldn't have done anything different then obey what he asked of me.

and yes..not that it matters but she did have a 6.00 drink :)So Pay it forward it is AWESOME!!!

3 ...Stalker Comments:

Heather D

You did good! I bet that just made her day.
About the anxiety thing, I know what you're talking about. And it's totally real. You're smart to recognize it!

Brooke

Good for you! Next time I am in line I will do the same! I have suffered with anxiety since I was a senior in high school, so I know how you feel! It can be very scary at times! You are an awesome mom!

Grandma Rosalie

I think you are really a good Mom and wife. I know sometimes I do not tell people and my family members how much I appriciate and love them. I think it is so great of you also to take your teenage brother into your home. Its not easy raising a teenager and then to take one in that is already a teenager is really a great thing. Keep the good work up and let God help you.