Let talk about something fun..

After reading the last few posts it made realize how depressing I can sound.

I do laugh. I do have fun. I do enjoy what I can.

I find myself blogging about the deep stuff due to the fact I find it therapeutic.

But there is Fun in our home...and many things to make us feel blessed.

We are looking forward to camping...3 weeks till our big Memorial Day camping trip with our friends!

I got to see Miss America catch her first fish last weekend.

Carter has been sleeping through the night for over a month. As long as he is on his medication we no longer have to clean up puke.

Matthew is doing WONDERFUL at school.

The little kids love to lay in our bed and call for the "tickle man' to get them..

It only took a girl to get Matthew to brush his teeth twice a day, shower and wear matching clothes...

Miss America got 5 inches cut off her hair today...making her look older...



yeah..life is good.

And The Saga Continues

Yesterday I had my MRI. I was looking forward to figuring out why the pain is much worse then before I went in. I was really expecting for them to call me and tell that I would need another surgery. In my head I had it all looking very optimistic.

Surgery. Recovery. Healing.

Enjoy Summer. Play with my kids. No more pain management.

No more more pills. Good exercise plan that included lots of walking and Core strengthening Yes, I would fantasize about such things. I would find myself daydreaming about how it was going to be. I could paint my front door. Finish decorating the house. After all we have lived here 5 years and my room is definitely not screaming " Tiffiny's sanctuary"

So imagine my surprise when they called me to tell me everything looked good, no surgery needed.

Then the bad news spilled out.

You have so much scar tissue around your nerve that is causing this pain. You will continue to have it and it will not go away. It does look bad and we can definitely see why your in pain.

The doctor would like you get a Spinal Cord stimulator. It is a device inserted in your back that will block the nerve pain ( along with set off Airport and retail store security ) and improve your quality of life.

Yes, I was excited to learn there was an option for me so I would not be in pain.
I was excited that another surgery wasn't needed.

But yet I cried. I felt discouraged.

It can take up to a year to get this device inserted.

I have FBSS...I call it FaceBook Stalking Syndrome but really it stands for Failed Back Surgery Syndrome.

The saga continues. There seems to be no quick answer. I would like for there to be. I know my husband, kids and family would like for this to be all over.

It won't be over for awhile. I had to come to terms with that last night. I had to really rely on my faith. I questioned the big man up stairs many times. I have cried out asking him "why me??' The only thing that kept coming back to me is "why NOT me?" I would not wish this upon anyone. So he has chosen this trial, this test for me to endure. I have to make the best of it.

I have to. I have 4 people counting on me.

All in your head?

Feeling very inadequate lately. Not just physically but emotionally, spiritually and in many areas of my life.

Do any of you ever have that someone in your life that makes you feel like you doing everything wrong? I mean I am sure it it is all in my head and I am projecting my own insecurities on others but there has to come a time when you need to distance your self from one and ones behavior so you don't feel the inadequacy your feeling.

Why is it when your feeling such thoughts that you begin to think the whole world is up against you?

Depression maybe.

Do I think so? No

Pressure. Pressure from others to do what you THINK they want you to do and to give what you think they want from you even if you don't have it to give or if it is uncomfortable for you to give.

Maybe this is stemming from not feeling connected.

Looking at a mile long to-do list that you can't accomplish.

Whatever it maybe I sure hope it passes and that it was all in my head.

SUCK

Really.

I went to the doctors on Thursday. I had a nerve test done which showed many things. I have serious nerve damage down my legs and into my toes.

I knew that. I didn't need 20 needles poking into me with shock waves filtering through them...I could have just told you that but I guess they have to wean out the fakers...

I then meet with the doctor.

3 of the suckiest options...

* MRI ...to get a better detail of the problem.

* He can do surgery this week...and make sure everything is alright and fix the problem again.

* or go with a different form of testing, one he doesn't recommend.

So..knowing me and my body I would say that a 5th surgery will be needed.

Oh, and guess what? He leaves for a month May 1st.

Good News ( there has to be some right??)

I have my MRI on the 29th..leaving him one day to tell me if surgery is needed...

In the mean time?

( enter Sarcasm here)

Yippee..Lucky Me..I get to live in and with this pain for at least another month.

Life at our house..

This list will make you shy away from visiting us...but don't let it scare you, I mean some of things have to be normal. Right???

* Do NOT ride your bike on the trampoline..

* Please do NOT video yourself jumping from the roof..I don't care how cool you look or if Jacka** will take your submission video

* Keep you hand out of your diaper, do not try and aim your wink out of it so you can pee on the floor.

* I don't care if he/she hit you first, that gives you NO right to punch, spit, scratch and pinch your brother/sister. You need to come get your mom.

* Eggs are not balls. Do not throw them !

* If you eat like a dog then I will make you eat by our dog...( They got excited about that)

* Do not pull the dogs ears, hair, tail or try and poke out his eyes

* I can't find my___. ( you fill in the blank)

* Carter is climbing the fence again he is just about over. MOM HELP!

* Mom, Carter took his diaper off and Now you need to come see this big mess!

* If I have to count to 3 your in serious trouble

* Hiding in the dishwasher is not the best hiding spot

* Do NOT put your brother in the dryer. I don't care if he fits.

* I love you x 3

* Mom what is a butthole? MATTHEW Don't say that in front of her ever again..don't say it period!

* Mom? Why are your boobies bigger then alot of people? ( I wanted to say "have you seen my butt?" but I refrained)

...Stay tuned for more...

Big Date

Yipee..I have a big date planned with my husband today. Today we are getting coffee and going off to find deals at garage sales. Not that we need anymore junk.

I am sure he would rather stay in his warm cozy bed but he is getting up for me. I have been up since 5:30 for 2 reasons..I am in alot of pain and I was so excited to leave the house.

I can be in pain here or I can be in pain out in the real world.

I even have a babysitter coming over so we can enjoy ourselves , not come home with a bunch of 25 cents stuffed animals and barbies.

I drove once but it was so painful...I don't think I am up for that challenge anytime soon unless I have to. It feels like I am living in a mansion...I have helpers who come and do laundry, clean the house and drive me around...You would think I was rich.

I am so grateful for everyone who is taking time out of their life to help out our family. I just wish I didn't need it. I go in this week to my doctor for more testing and to figure out where to go from here.

Today I will savor the moments with dear hubby....no kids..no whining, no kicking the seats, no begging for McDonald's, no hitting, no crying, and no loading and unloading children in their car seats..

Today WILL be a good day.

One Month

Since surgery.

I am I feeling better? Not really. Yes, things are improving. I can unload the dishwasher. I can walk around more.

The pain is out of control in the mornings and evenings.

I think I officially hate my pajama pants. Yes, me...the one who ADORED her pajama pants wishes she had a place to go so she could take them off and put on jeans.

I wonder if I still remember how to drive. Maybe I should take the test again just to make sure.

I have an appointment with the doctor next week. Hoping to find out more answers.

One month...I am trying to not to think that it has been wasted but that's about how I feel.

Not Claiming To Be Perfect

No, I am not perfect. I am not the perfect wife, mom, sister or friend. I wish I was. I wish for a split second that I would think before I speak. That I would not have a tornado of emotions inside of me on any given day.

Do I expect perfection from my family or friends? No. Never.

So why would people ever think that I am perfect?

Why would people be so envious of things I can't control?

It is okay to want to have abilities like someone but to be jealous of them??

My best friend is a Tech wizard. ANYTHING dealing with computers , phones, cameras or gadgets she is your gal. Am I JEALOUS of her? To the point of me not wanting to be friends with her? NO! Do I have a bit of envy in me? Yes but not enough to dwell on it.

Another friend..we don't have the same views on a few points but do I walk away thinking I could never be her friend? No.

And I HATE when people tell me I am intimidating to them. Really? What did I do? NOTHING...I bet I didn't even talk. I bet I was shy and reserved.

You are projecting your own insecurities on me and trying to make me feel bad for what?

Just so it is in writing and all you haters out there I am not perfect. I don't have a perfect husband, kids, dog, house , relationships...I wish I did...life would then be perfect for me..

Not really.

Tulips & Farms..

Yesterday we drove down to see the Tulips. Jeremy works down there and decided to to take us to Golden Glen Creamery to see how cheese was made. They had 3 goats that would follow us around. One tried eating Carter's hair, another tried eating our clothes. They where so fun! We stayed about 30 minutes. We then drove around looking at the fields then decided to stop off for Ice-cream at the local produce stand. We spent a good hour there. Carter LOVED his ice-cream.

Jeremy knew a farmer that had the Tulips right behind their farm so we parked there and went into the fields..that last all about 2o minutes. Just enough to snap a few pictures...the kids where very tired. We went right at milking time so the kids could see the cows being milked. Olivia is just like me when it comes to smells...we both had our noses plugged. :) We took the long way back home..enjoying our family time, talking and just being together...

I am paying for it today...that was a big day for me...it was good for the spirit...just not the body..

So tired..she fell asleep with the straw in her mouth.

Is It Still Warm?

ugh...me and debit cards. I know if I just put it back in the same spot then I would never lose it. right? I mean have I ever claimed to be organized? or does this fall under the irresponsible?

4 days. No debit card. I know I put it back in my wallet. I swear.

4 days panic starts in. Was it stolen?

Great. Just what I need.

Kinda like when I can home from the hospital only to find out my washer quit that day.

4th day...Jeremy comes home...kicks of his work shoes I bitch nag about how he can't leave those yukky boots in the house and right in front of the door.

As I look down there is My debit card..in His Work boots!

I look in the other and there is my medical card.

Jeremy looks at me dumb founded.

He then asked me if the card was still warm...

Yes, Honey for 4 days you have been walking around with my debit and medical card.

Life with a 2 year old...gotta love it...

Friday's Facts

Feeling defeated most days has left me not really wanting to blog. Today is a better day. Today I got up showered right away, put on make-up ( 4th time in almost amonth) and did my hair. Today I am on my own for afternoon. I have help come in the morning at 7:30 then another helper arrives in the afternoon. Today I am trying it on my own.



The pain down my legs seems to be improving over the last 3 days However at night it is still really bad, keeping me up. I think it is because I am in the same position for to long. I can't sit, stand or walk very long.





Thankful For:



So many things...The abilty to love on my children, husband ( poor guy needs to see my out of my pajama pants) and the many friends and family who have taken care of us over the last month.



The sunny days. Chocolate. Movies. Magazines. Coffee. Caller ID . My husband has a job. Loving role models for me, Jeremy and my kids.



Listening To:



Carter feeding the dog his chips then telling him (the dog) "NO!" "Not eat my Chipoles"



What's For Dinner:



I pulled one of the meals out that we were given from a friend ( Thanks Lesha!)What a blessing!!





Looking Forward To:



Driving again....I need to leave the house!


Quote of the week:



" Hand are for HELPING not Hitting "



What are your Friday Facts???

Easter and it's many Blessing's

To our family Easter is a time to celebrate our faith. A time to count our blessings and reflect on the promise we have been given. I was able to take my first big outing to my in-laws for dinner. The kids had a great time hunting for eggs. I am kinda a slacker mom in the egg hunt department. I would always take Matthew to a community one. I never filled eggs and hid them when he was little and now I that I have 2 little ones I bank on the grandparents.

He is so excited!!

My Niece Jada and Carter John..

Matthew, Jada and our Miss America

Easter dress anyone?

We all remember when Miss America wore her Easter dress Last year for days on end. This year she was lucky enough to have 3 dress's , one for Good Friday service,one for the egg hunt and one for Easter. She is very comical when it comes to her clothes. She acts like she does not have enough. I try to tell her all about the needy kids and how blessed she is but I am pretty sure I sound like Charlie Browns teacher to her.

Miss America: Mom? When you get better and drive your kids around can you take me shopping?

Me: Liv, What do you want to buy?

Miss America: Clothes, you silly!!

Me: You don't need clothes

Miss America: Oh, yes I do....2 new outfit's heading my way...

Me: Your Silly..

Thank You Sarah From Slo Day Designs for not only creating and making her hair pretties to match each dress but for delivering them to me.

Visit SLO DAY DESIGNS you can custom order anything. She has amazing items, will match any outfit ( I send her pictures of the outfit I am trying to match) and her prices are Great! She offers an assortment of goodies!

Easter Egg Time

Since I was still recovering Jenn came over with her nifty NO MESS EVERY PARENT NEEDS ONE egg dye spinner and she helped the kids decorate eggs..You can find them at Walmart for 5.00 and maybe they still have them on clearance, if you see it BUY IT! It was like a dream come true...no dye on anything..no messy cups, no vinegar, no dyed fingers, arms or clothes.



Sorry they are in reverse order. I should know by now to upload backwards..
How cute are these??? Jenn decorated them..the kids decided they where over it after about the 3rd egg...

Carter had to touch..then proceed to throw the eggs like balls...we lost 3 due to his mom not watching throwing abilities.