I feel.

Thoughts swirl over and over again. wanting to come out but never do. If they come out they are in some form of cheesiness or I don't convey what my heart is wanting to say. Life, can suck. Life is painful. I know all to well that that is it is not fair. I know that you can choose to pick up the pieces wipe yourself off and go again. Sometimes I don't want to go again. Sometimes I want to stay on the ground and take my time wiping my hands and deal with the pain and hurt of unfairness.

I really have no idea how I turned out the way I did. I have no idea why my life wasn't more of a mess like down in the gutter mess. I think back and look at everyone who has been placed in my life and I search the memories but only bad ones , ones that hurt little girls come to the surface. I wish it wasn't so. I wish it wasn't always like this. I wish that the triggers would be gone. I pray that I can see something or someone and not feel such despair, grief and sadness.

Joy. Only 12 years of Joy. 12 years of some normalcy in life. 12 years. Not along time. I have no idea what my future holds. What it holds in my relationship with my kids or my husband and my peers. I just know that for the rest of my life I can only have hope that it gets better. Hope that it won't hurt.

You my readers have no idea what Hell I was in as a child. I don't share much. I have a hard time. But last night was bad. Nightmares. I could only think of one thing. I had a strong urge to tell you to PROTECT your kids. PROTECT and yes SHELTER your children. They need it.

a starting point

I am not one on seeking advice on the blogging world but I know many of you are talented and possess skills that I wish I had. So I am going to utilize you.

We have made the decision to home School Matthew this upcoming year. This is not up for debate. I have weighed all the pros and cons of this decision Not an easy one but it is in the BEST interest of our child. The child that we know and love to pieces. The child who we have watched day in and day out come home from school in tears. Our child who's self-esteem has taken a beating. A child who does not want to fight back. A child with a courageous heart. A heart of pure goodness. We as his parents can no longer sit back and wait for it to change. We need to help him, mold him and support him RIGHT now. We feel as though a small private school or home school would be the best option for him.

I have my own fears and concern that is why I am looking for advice.

1) where do I begin?
2) what curriculum do you use?
3) Do you love it?
4) Struggles?
5) websites to visit?



Thanks in advance!!

6th grade drama

Today I went to he skating rink with Matthew. Last day of school and energy was high. So was the smell of stinky boys. It was nasty but I gagged my way through it. If you are a people watcher like myself there is something to be said about watching little kids who think they are SOOO grown up. I watched girls awkwardly flip their hair, girls who where to shy to skate and boys and girls who love drama.
You know the drama of who is going out with who and who held hands at couples skate. I did witness a bad break up today. The girl was heartbroken, sobbing and all the other girls where hugging her , as all the other boys where around the boy who did the dumping. Their where girls yelling a this certain boy that he was so mean. Why did he do it on the last day school? What if she did that to him? Other girls wondering why their boyfriend was being so mean and cheering for the dumper boy.

Her first heartbreak...sad, life changing and never to be forgotten.

Forgery at its finest

Matthew told me yesterday that kids are forging there parents signature on Many forms at school. He told me that they get a paper in band that must be signed by parents in order to count the minutes of practice. he told me that one kid is on 1000 minutes club and he never brings his instrument home. I told Matthew that I have never seen the paper...thinking he may have forged my name. He told me that he just shoves in his back pack and never turns it in. I asked if he has ever forged my name. He looked at me like I was an alien and then said" Mom, I wouldn't even know how to spell your name"

....Mikey came home the other day with a local gym membership that had another kids name on it...when asked about it he said that another kid was selling them at school for 2 bucks. WHAT??? Yeah, you can by a membership for the gym so you can go swimming. He got in trouble and I told him he better not buy another one...he goes " I should of just bought a Monster drink instead.. I knew it!"

Really...this is my life.

Wicked Step-Sisters

Last night Olivia really wanted a story. I had already read her 3 books. Matthew wouldn't go to bed so I made him read Olivia a story. Such a punishment. I could hear him reading her Cinderella. He was doing very good until he got to the part where the mean step sisters ripped her necklace and her dress off before she went to the ball. Matthew's version was not right according to Miss America....

It went something like this

Cinderella came down stairs with her gown and necklace on. The mean step-sisters ripped her clothes off. punched her in the face, Pulled her hair, Drug her around and around until she was covered in blood.

Olivia was telling Matthew that it was not the right story and that is not how it goes. She proceed to tell Matthew that he did not know how to read and if they really put that in the story it would not be age appropriate ( wonder where she hears that!) I only let it go on for a brief moment before I told him to knock it off.

"Yeah Matt Knock it off Mom said so!"

BFF

This is how I define the best of besties...

1. Someone who will always be there for you at the drop of a hat.
2. Someone you can count on to keep your thoughts, worries and gossip to themselves.
3. Someone who will watch your children when you are in a last minute bind.
4. Someone who jokes with you (and knows what to joke about) when they know you need cheering up.
5. Someone who will always have your back, like when you start something with a certain gal that cut in line right before the doors opened on Black Friday after you had been waiting in line for over an hour.
6. Someone who gives you the keys to her kingdom and knows that you will not screw it up... by this I mean the password to her blog. ;)
7. Someone who knows exactly what coffee drink you want depending on which coffee joint she is stopping at.
8. Someone who knew you at a lesser time in your life and still loves you regardless.
9. Someone who will drop everything to come over and help setup for a not-so-fun get together and sweeps your floor right before people start walking in the door because she knows that you would have major anxiety if it had crumbs.
10. Someone who forgives your faults (like not calling as often as I should) and still thinks you are the best of besties too!

Thanks for being the best of my besties Tiff! Hope you like your new blog makover. ;)

With Love, Jenn

8 things about meme

Two of my favorite girls Jenn and Heather both tagged me so here it goes...if you have been tagged please start spillin the beans..

8 things I am looking forward to:


1. The floors being mopped but unfortunately that means I must do it. Yuk
2. The Yard being mowed. I love perfect lines. Even if they only last a few days.
3. The hot sun coming back...so I can continue to let me kids run naked in the backyard and hope like heck the busy bod neighbor calls the police so I can give the officer an earful of Love
4. Sleeping tonight...I can't wait to go to bed.
.5 Planning a girls camping trip at our property. FUN!
6. Payday so Can buy groceries...old Mother Hubbard's cupboards are BARE
7. Finishing this meme... am I really only on #7 of question #1?
8. A BBQ at Jenn's with all the mommies...

8 things I did yesterday:

1. I had an Ultrasound..YUK...internal one.I know to much information
2. Bought 5 school clothes items for Matthew and spent 24.97 with my Macy's coupon...75%off!
3. Went to my favorite consignment store..collected money just to spend it again on my kids.
4. Tried to kill my Hanging Basket...after3 days I gave it a much needed drink of water
5. Went to bed at 9 leaving Jeremy to put the kids to bed. That had to have sucked.HA!
6. Played farkle to many times...Jenn is always the winner..why do I frigin try?
7. Helped Matthew at 6:30 am complete a project that was due the day before. I could have yelled at him but I helped.
8. Helped Olivia Plan her 4th birthday...she is making the plans.

8 things I wish I could do:

1. Hold Babies at an orphanage and not cry or want to take them home
2. Paint with out sucking at it
3. Type faster..although I am getting faster...but I don't think I could master 'the quick brown fox jumped over the log" or whatever it is
4. have time to finish reading Twilight
5. stay organized
6. Go on a road trip with my husband.no kids
7. Get up and turning off the Loud obnoxious TV that is blaring the Nascar race recording.
8. Run and like it..or even exercise and LIKE it...

8 shows I watch:

1. Big brother...I get sucked in every year for the last 7 years. Sad,huh?
2. the News..every night I fast forward through almost all of it..get to the weather and go to bed. Nobody in the family can stand watching the news with me...guys, It is only 3 minutes of your life..it is not like I watch the full 30minutes of it.
3. Max and Ruby...Where are their parents???
4. CMT or sirius music blarring
5. Deadliest Catch -
6. Brothers and Sisters
7. Desperate Housewives
8. Grey's anatomy

8 Peeps Tagged:
1. Tiffani@ Still Seeking sanity
2. Amber @ The Erdmann Family
3. Sara @ Bloggin' about Baker
4. Jules @ A Beautiful Mess
5. Cher @ A New Day for the Kingsboroughs
6. Traci @ 3 little and 2big liks
8. Brandy @ Brandy's blog

I do have lots of blogging friends...so if you read this please share your 8 things...but the ones I list above I kinda expect you to do it :0)

Thursday's with Tiffiny

I am thankful for:

I am sick of going to the doctors...so when they called yesterday and told me my IUD looked okay...and it didn't have to be removed I was so Grateful. They told me to call if I had any problems and I quickly replied...like if I get pregnant? The nurse laughed but I was serious. I am okay with whatever God plans for us but I am sure he hears my hearts desires and if we had one more kid I would definitely have to buy that 15 passenger van. Speaking of pregnancy's...Jeremy's WONDERFUL cousin (one of many) had been trying for a few years to have a baby and she announced yesterday that they are having a baby!! Answer to prayers! We are so HAPPY for all of you guys.
Jeremy tackled 3 things off the to do list!! I am not thankful for the mess he left me but very thankful I have a functioning screen door, light covers and a new sprinkler! Thanks babe!

I am listening to: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse..come inside it's fun inside....Olivia yelling at me for a new Max and Ruby Show.


I am looking forward to: Mikey races tonight at hannagen after taking the last year off. He is pumped! We are looking forward to coming together as a family to support him! You can never have enough cheerleaders! Go the Mikey Go!


What's for dinner Tonight: I made sausage potato soup last night so Left overs it will be!


Missing: Yesterday was my grandma's birthday...She passed away about 13 years ago. It is strange feeling....you miss them and it never goes away. I know if she was here she would help me find my missing Boy Scout Shirt. Love you grandma.

What does your Thursday Bring?? Would love to hear it!

I should just pull my hair out now...

You can tell there is only 1.5 days of school left. The energy is high and the " I am to cool for school" attitude has set in. They want to party like the rock stars they are...okay, not partying but staying up really late. I tell them they are going to regret it in the morning . But as always they are smarter then me and I know Nothing...Zilch..Notta. I am the old, dumb mom. Guess what? they come crabbin to the kitchen bickering back in forth on who's belt is who's , who wore what socks last and blah, blah, blah...Then I proceed to tell them BOTH that they should of went to bed earlier they are crabby. Both in unison look at me and proclaim " We are not tired" with the look of Shut up mom, you can't always be right, I am going to prove you wrong, you just wait.

really, I should just pull all my hair out now...I can feel it turning gray.

Make it a quad..

I am not talking about a stiff drink but I should be....read the earlier post. I am talking about my love of Mocha's. The fattening....750 calorie " love potion" that I crave everyday. However my bank account can do without the umpteen debits to the local coffee house.

I Used to hate coffee. My parents Love coffee and I used to turn my nose up to the coffee...until I realized about 15 years ago at the Go-Go espresso you can add chocolate and syrup to the coffee. My addicitoin started. Every morning at 6;10 I would line up for my coffee on my way to work for 4 years solid I did this. Looking back I should have bought an espresso machine. But really would it taste the same? You can have a grill but do your steaks taste like the local steakhouse? I keep thinking I should really buy an espresso machine. Would it really be the same? would it sit on my counter collecting bacon grease splatters and grimey hand prints? Would I become the best hot housewife barista in the neighborhood?

What brings on this post? Well, my kids are still sleeping. It is 9am and I am training them to sleep in the mornings so I can gather my thoughts and be the best momma I can to them when they awake. I first need 3 cups of coffee. My friends know that a mocha is all it takes to ask me to watch their kids...how easy is that??? Make it a quad and you have yourself a rockin babysitter.

Thanks Jules for the Mocha this morning! You made my day even better.

Do you own an espresso machine and do you use it???