Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Surprise, Surprise

I am 34 years old.

I have no stress in my life ( so I thought) I have a good life. Good support. Great husband.

None of that mattered. NONE of it. Zilch. Natta.

I continued having these episodes. I would run to my bed. Try to breathe. I can't. I have to relax.

There is no trigger. My body and brain feel as though it is not connecting. My eye keeps twitching. Sweat running down my back.

As a child I never felt safe. I never felt complete. I would dream of safety.

I did not feel safe taking so medications. I also did not know that switching medications can cause attacks.

As I examine my life I do have stress. I am the mom to 3 kids. I am the Take care of everything. look Perfect. House has to be perfect. Type of mom.

I would beat myself up mentally every night all at the same time I would give thanks to the Lord for the blessings. How does that work? Not sure.

I do not watch the news or anything about dying. I try to stay away from anything that can cause my mind to wonder into deep dark places. I can no longer watch shows involving abused, neglected children or read about children growing up in homes that are not stable ( I am not talking about your typical dysfunction) but stories of children beat and robbed of a childhood.

I hold on to it. I don't let it show. I don't want to be judged. I want to be perfect. I want perfect loving thoughts from my heart to my mouth. From my heart to my hands.

Striving for this is impossible.

Surprise. Surprise.

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