Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I am going crazy

Your heart is pounding, your chest aches, you can't catch your breath. You can't swallow, your arms are going numb. Your lips are numb, you feel faint. You feel CRAZY. Your going to die.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I think I am having a heart attack. I know for a fact I have not fallen in love all over again.

I am going crazy.

My stomach hurts. I can't think. I want to run and put on my shoes and run far way from this but I can't. I have to get help. I need help.

It is now 12 am and I can't control it anymore. I have my husband call 911. They hook me up to an EKG , my blood pressure is dropping extremely low I need oxygen. They bring me in to the hospital. They to are not sure of what is going on.

Run all the test they can. Everything looks good. They proceed to monitor me for awhile. My heart rate is well over 150 beats per minute. I still can't breath. I feel like I am going to die.

At this point they could tell me to take street drugs and I would do it. I would find a dealer and pump myself full of anything and everything just so I don't feel a damn thing.

Let me back up...the doctors had been switching my medications for about 3 weeks. I have a huge fear of medication to begin with. When your taking 5 different kinds of medication your simple wear yourself out thinking about how this might effect you. Then they go and wean me off one but put me on another. This is not working. They give me a new one. My stomach is in knots. I can't leave the bed except to go the bathroom. I am sweating. Not sleeping. Satan has taken over my thoughts and my body, Therefor increasing my
panic attacks. Another trip to the ER. I am have not been diagnosed with having the "crazies" but with panic attacks induced by drug withdraw.

I am prescribed 3 medications. I don't take them for a week. Thinking this is way to many pills for a person my age to take. They sit in my purse. I go back to the doctor. I have a small attack just waiting for him to enter the room. I breathe. I try to relax my body and bring my thoughts some place else. He gets upset with me and assures me that the medications will not kill me but make me better. He swore on a stack of bibles.

I go home taking the first round of pills. Nothing changes. Day 2 I take the days worth of pills nothing changes. I can't get out of bed. I am afraid to go the grocery store. I can't drive. I don't want to be home alone with the kids. I can't go anywhere. I tried church 3 times each time bolting out of the door like a mad women. I can't breath. I am dizzy. I can't do this.

I can't even read about
panic attacks because I will have one.

I am crazy.

I make an appointment to talk to someone. I find that this is very common. I start to understand what is going on with me. I read a few books. I have one book " Anxious For Nothing" that was mailed to me by an anonymous friend. ( thank you Thank You THANK YOU)

I have read it 3 times and go to it everyday.

I am not crazy.

The rest of the story will continue..but my kids have turned themselves into Mike Tyson in the bath tub.