Spiritual Sunday

Spirituality is not defined by bumper stickers, fish logos on your mini van, how many outlines you have in your Bible, if you wear a cross necklace or if you go to church regularly.

Now these are all good if you want to share your faith and make sure everyone you come in contact with does not go to Hell but accepts Jesus as their Savior.

All was quiet a few minutes ago. Now they are circling my space like a bunch of fruit flies.

My chest is heavy. My thoughts are deep. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish for one day my body would not hurt. My leg pain would not be a constant reminder of where I have been and where I am now.

I know what I need and that is a strong relationship with God. God will try us, but he won't temp us. Only the Devil will temp us.

Just as if your thoughts will discourage you and depress you. Your thoughts are the most powerful thing you have.

Years of being talked down to, labeled as the "fat kid, fat child, the bully, the loud one, the one who just couldn't seem to get it right know matter how hard I tried. I spent years and even now feeling "just not quite good enough" Not good enough for my children, my husband, my kids, my friends and even God. Most of the later feelings came after the chronic pain. I am learning to live life with the pain but in order to do that I must get through the poor me, self pity crap.

I never gave up. I never let those the thoughts really define who I am. I just pushed them to the side. I stuffed them. Then I ate to console those feelings of inadequacy. Uncontrolled emotions because on the inside I had no stability or consistency in my life or in my thoughts.

Do I have faith or fear? Do I have Joy or hatred?

I ask for a soften heart in my marriage and with my children. I ask for the worry to be gone and the pain to be taken away.

My thoughts are are mixed. Some times deep and dark other times uplifting and I feel as though I am on the road to recovery.

I can control panic attacks. I am worth it. I am worth more then I feel or think at times.

When my thoughts are deep I can ONLY cast all my fears and anxiety on him because he cares.

I will be okay.

My house will not be okay. The kids have tore this place up in the last 20 minutes. They are now fighting. I continue to blog ignoring them. Thinking about my to-list. It is long.

I am blessed. Beyond blessed. The kid just peed on my carpet...at least I know his bladder is healthy. that is a blessing.

Right???

Last to bed...

First one to wake up. How does that work when your the mom?

I seem to stumble to bed exhausted and stumble out of bed exhausted.

I woke up this morning to bring my beloved first born to a school function so he could give the teachers and the fellow students his eye rolls

But first I trip over one huge big fat stupid yellow Tonka Truck. Yep, that will leave a mark.

It is quiet here right now. I savor the moments. It won't be to much longer until my children decide it is time to face the world with their I woke up the wrong side of the bed gleaming smiles and want to snuggle.

I can hear the hum of the dishwasher..what a great moment. I love the fact I have a dishwasher. for many year I didn't. I had a place for one. Bought it new. It was just hooked up wrong. So for 6 years I just looked at it. In retrospect...who in the heck does that???

Miss America just woke up...how does she know I am awake? She went to bed at 11pm, very very late for her. Now she will be crabby pants all day. No nap or I will be forced to stay up with her till 12am. Making me Miss crabby pants tomorrow.

I think it is funny that people read my blog but don't say anything, don't comment once just to let me know that they are stalking me. It would help a great deal when I run into you in this very small town and you ask me something, I stare at you like your an idiot then I feel like an Idiot because later I realize I was the one who put it out there for the whole world to see.

Until tomorrow....

The Joy of the Lord is my strength

Aww..Friday

My kids have not ate breakfast and are running round with no clothes on. I will not disturb them because for once they are not fighting. The are actually enjoying each others company. I am waiting for the "she bit me" He pinched me" any minute or for the to come flying upstairs to tell me they need something in their demanding whiny voices then I would have to parent but until then you get me.

Joyce Meyers has to be one gifted women I tell you. I record and watch her everyday. It helps with the anxious feeling I have and hold on to, most days. I wouldn't say I am depressed but I can't disagree with a doctor. I still get up. I shower, I do not lay in bed , although I would like to some days.

One day at church I was in the commons trying to catch my breath. Trying to go back into the worship center and I could not bring myself to the doors.

A friend who had seen me asked me if I was okay.

Of course I was! Why would she ask such a thing my face was white as a ghost, I was sweating, I looked like death of course I was just fine. I was perfect. She didn't buy it. Not for a second.

I looked at her and tried to tell her I was FINE.

No such luck. she caught on.

Her story was my story although I would have never guessed it. I would have never thought in a million years she had the same thing. NEVER. She was put together. Expecting her 3rd child , looking beautiful and here she was telling me the medications I need to get on so I could continue my life. Talk about a divine appointment.

I tried to go to Target with my Best Friend for some Christmas gifts. 15 minutes into the trip I am not doing so good. I reach for my purse and continue to let her check out for me. I take her keys run to the car and cry. I sob. How did my life get so far out of control? Would I be one of those people who are at the store at 1am shopping? I cry even harder. I ask her why this is happening?? She has no answers and encourages me. Tells me to look at how far have come in the last 3 weeks. We continue. I even went to Costco that day! YIPPEEE!

Guess what? My kids have managed to find me....they are hungry. Dressed themselves looking like Orphan Annie and now bringing me their cereal boxes.

Until next time...Stay Busy blessing everything you can bless by the words of your mouth...and remember...The Holy spirit will not work if you complain.

Treasure In Every Trial

They last doctor told me that there was nothing else he could do for me. I guess 4 surgeries couldn't fix it Why attempted a 5th ?

I hit rock bottom.

I could not really believe that this was something I was going to live with my whole life. I didn't process it. I dwelled on it. I secretly held on to it. I worried about it. I felt low. Lower then I had expected

Pain takes the patience right out of you. It takes your mind to places you don't want to be. No amount of medication can or will fix it. You can't take your mind off the pain that radiates down your legs and through your back.

Your cautious of everything. Your worried about walking across a snowy parking lot, riding a ride at the fair , walking to long, pushing the cart at Costco with 8 gallons of milk in it. You know for a fact that when you get out there and do normal everyday stuff you will pay for it. I try not to think about it and just do. I look normal. I am so not normal, ask my best friend I have to keep going. If I don't then I Will focus on my worries , thus leading me to panic mode.

Going out to dinner is painful. Sitting for a mere hour can suck the joy right out of you. I should order a few shots of Tequila but I don't even though it would be a temporary fix to my pain. I might just laugh again.

Chronic is a big word. I hate the word. I really really really do ( did you get that?) and I hate everything about this.

But my new Mantra is ....I will find Treasure in every Trial. ( thanks Joyce Meyers)

Surprise, Surprise

I am 34 years old.

I have no stress in my life ( so I thought) I have a good life. Good support. Great husband.

None of that mattered. NONE of it. Zilch. Natta.

I continued having these episodes. I would run to my bed. Try to breathe. I can't. I have to relax.

There is no trigger. My body and brain feel as though it is not connecting. My eye keeps twitching. Sweat running down my back.

As a child I never felt safe. I never felt complete. I would dream of safety.

I did not feel safe taking so medications. I also did not know that switching medications can cause attacks.

As I examine my life I do have stress. I am the mom to 3 kids. I am the Take care of everything. look Perfect. House has to be perfect. Type of mom.

I would beat myself up mentally every night all at the same time I would give thanks to the Lord for the blessings. How does that work? Not sure.

I do not watch the news or anything about dying. I try to stay away from anything that can cause my mind to wonder into deep dark places. I can no longer watch shows involving abused, neglected children or read about children growing up in homes that are not stable ( I am not talking about your typical dysfunction) but stories of children beat and robbed of a childhood.

I hold on to it. I don't let it show. I don't want to be judged. I want to be perfect. I want perfect loving thoughts from my heart to my mouth. From my heart to my hands.

Striving for this is impossible.

Surprise. Surprise.

I am going crazy

Your heart is pounding, your chest aches, you can't catch your breath. You can't swallow, your arms are going numb. Your lips are numb, you feel faint. You feel CRAZY. Your going to die.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I think I am having a heart attack. I know for a fact I have not fallen in love all over again.

I am going crazy.

My stomach hurts. I can't think. I want to run and put on my shoes and run far way from this but I can't. I have to get help. I need help.

It is now 12 am and I can't control it anymore. I have my husband call 911. They hook me up to an EKG , my blood pressure is dropping extremely low I need oxygen. They bring me in to the hospital. They to are not sure of what is going on.

Run all the test they can. Everything looks good. They proceed to monitor me for awhile. My heart rate is well over 150 beats per minute. I still can't breath. I feel like I am going to die.

At this point they could tell me to take street drugs and I would do it. I would find a dealer and pump myself full of anything and everything just so I don't feel a damn thing.

Let me back up...the doctors had been switching my medications for about 3 weeks. I have a huge fear of medication to begin with. When your taking 5 different kinds of medication your simple wear yourself out thinking about how this might effect you. Then they go and wean me off one but put me on another. This is not working. They give me a new one. My stomach is in knots. I can't leave the bed except to go the bathroom. I am sweating. Not sleeping. Satan has taken over my thoughts and my body, Therefor increasing my panic attacks. Another trip to the ER. I am have not been diagnosed with having the "crazies" but with panic attacks induced by drug withdraw.

I am prescribed 3 medications. I don't take them for a week. Thinking this is way to many pills for a person my age to take. They sit in my purse. I go back to the doctor. I have a small attack just waiting for him to enter the room. I breathe. I try to relax my body and bring my thoughts some place else. He gets upset with me and assures me that the medications will not kill me but make me better. He swore on a stack of bibles.

I go home taking the first round of pills. Nothing changes. Day 2 I take the days worth of pills nothing changes. I can't get out of bed. I am afraid to go the grocery store. I can't drive. I don't want to be home alone with the kids. I can't go anywhere. I tried church 3 times each time bolting out of the door like a mad women. I can't breath. I am dizzy. I can't do this.

I can't even read about panic attacks because I will have one.

I am crazy.

I make an appointment to talk to someone. I find that this is very common. I start to understand what is going on with me. I read a few books. I have one book " Anxious For Nothing" that was mailed to me by an anonymous friend. ( thank you Thank You THANK YOU)

I have read it 3 times and go to it everyday.

I am not crazy.

The rest of the story will continue..but my kids have turned themselves into Mike Tyson in the bath tub.

Therapy

Here it is Monday morning. I hate Monday's. Okay I hate most days of the week. All the days of the week always involve demanding children, bills, cleaning and relationships..days running into days. No set schedule. No pressing meetings that make me feel like I have any sort of life outside of this job ( Please don't get me wrong, I am BLESSED to stay home with them)

I have wrapping paper shoved into couch cushions, you would think because they are hidden I would forget about them. No such luck I know them little pieces are stuffed in there along with candy wrappers from Halloween, popcorn, pens, pencils but I know there is no money in there if there was I would be at the Casino

At least my tree is down. The holiday closet is back to normal ( all shoved in there) so I don't dare open the door for the fear of an Easter basket of valentines decoration hitting my head knocking me out ( not a bad thing) and then making me get really uptight at the lack of organization my husband possesses.

My almost 3 year old still eats baby cereal everyday. I have tried oatmeal, cream of wheat but no he insists I buy the 3.50 box of Gerber baby cereal. Can't you just eat crappy sugar filled Fruity Pebbles like your mom? I am willing to share.

My lights are still up around the house. Yes, go ahead drive by and laugh. The more you laugh the longer I will keep up my inflatables. I lost 3 inflatables this year. ( poor Santa ripped his pants) So I am stuck with the Chubby snowman ( that we bought when we where fat people so it was kinda funny) and a polar bear. I am thinking since my lights are red & white they will look very festive as Valentines day rolls around. Just remember that when you drive by.

Hoping the sun does not shine today. If it does then I will be able to see the art work my child has drawn in the dust on my black shelving. I hate black furniture. Dusting every other month day just doesn't cut it.

I am really hoping they have all day kindergarten next year. I really need my 5 year old gone all day it would really help her in her academic future.

It maybe snowing outside and colder then my freezer but I had to crack teenagers window today. I just about threw up in my mouth when I went to put his clothes away. Boys stink. Until you have a puberty stricken , sweat coming from every pore you will never understand the stench a boy can have.

I could give you a more inspiring post or something up lifting but this is my life. This is my therapy. Judge all you want. I really don't care. This is my 2011 resolution. If you want to visit me that is great. I am not going to worry if there is a million slimy soap filled hand prints on my bathroom mirror, toothpaste spit out all over the place ( I will make sure my toilet seat is free from urine) If my garbage stinks don't worry I will spray some really strong room spray so you gag when you walk in. Shortening your visit.

I have 37 clocks all over the house all in testing mode. Good thing I have 3 mantels through out the house. You can know what time it is everywhere you go or you can watch the clock and lie to me that it is time to go because my kids are screamers and fight over the stupidest stuff.

They are quiet now but that can change in about .1 seconds.

I am in my pajamas really contemplating dropping my child off looking like I just crawled out of bed but since I have to look like I have it all together and I stink I will shower and look some what normal when I drop her off. I wish we had drive Thru drop off. Now that is a concept.

Welcome to my blog. Welcome to my therapy.

One Last Post

Figured I would write the final post for 2010...

2010 was a good year...It could have been worse.

We still are all here.

We are taken care of by grace and mercy.

Jeremy has a job.

Matthew is doing great in school.

Olivia turned 5 and is giving me a run for my money.

Carter will be 3 in a few months and although he still has an occasional bout with his stomach issues he is healthy and off all medications.

Mikey is doing good. He is going school and working. I am very proud of him.

I am going to focus on myself . Giving more to others. Building relationships and nurturing the ones I have.

I have no specif goals for 2011 ...I quit making resolutions long ago...because I can't keep them.

Honesty is always the best policy ;)

I am Thankful for those who have walked along side of me over the past year. I am thankful for everyone who has prayed, brought meals and helped out with the kids.

It takes a village to raise children.

You can never ever have enough people love you or your children.

Happy New Year!!

296 pounds

Yep, that is what our total so far is in our weight loss journey.

I have no idea why I am sharing this or even giving it a title.

I am trying to find a blessing in each and everyday.

Play-doh is not as fun as what it looks like on TV.

It should snow and quit being cold.

The kids should really learn the Fruits of the Spirit.

I should really thrown on some jeans and fluff my hair before my hubby comes home.

I am working on not complaining or grumbling when doing things for my family, myself or others.

I am randomly blogging so you won't forget about me.

Billy Madison is still a funny classic.

My teenage son is full of teenage angst.

I will soon be registering Miss America for School and Carter for preschool ( God willing he learns not to pee outside or on the floor)

When I have free time I am going to decorate the house ( if you know me, your laughing)

Over the last few months God is testing me, he is given me what I can handle as long as I have trust and faith in him.

I am guarded by nature.

2011 I will strive to LIVE and not go through the motions.

I will laugh more. Worry Less.

Carter John Deere

Oh, I know I have not blogged in forever. I will fill you in later on why but for now I want to share a few things about my baby AKA Carter John Deere.

That is what he calls himself as he is decked out with his John Deere sweatshirt and hat. For Christmas he received 9 John Deere trucks & trailers. The kid is in heaven. I just love watching him play with all his trucks, tractors & trailers.

About a month ago I could hear him screaming on the kitchen counter. I ran into the kitchen only to find blood coming from his mouth and Miss America telling me she was going to her room for a big time out.

It took only seconds for me to realize she had used the toe nail clippers on his tongue. YIKES!! he cried for a few seconds as my mom was here and shoved a towel in his mouth so we could see how much damage had been done. Lucky for us ,very little had been cut. He cried for a few seconds and now tells anyone who listens his Lala ( Olivia) cut his tongue with scissors, oh, that's great. Some secrets are meant to be kept in our home ( not that I am blogging about it)

He tells me this morning that going on the potty makes him sick and his back hurts so he needs to wear his diaper.

He takes my coffee and always asks for a "little bit " and that means 2 big gulps , puts down the cup and exclaims he has germs.

If I do something he doesn't like ( like say no to having his pliers grip my nose) he tells me I am on the naughty list.

He is loud. He doesn't mean to be it is just his personality. He loves people and birthdays. We have let him have his way one to many times ( give me a break he is the baby) when it comes to blowing out other peoples candles. We have a string of birthday's from September to December , each time we sing for the birthday person we must relight the candles and let him do it.

I am so thankful for my Carter John Deere. He always has a smile , he loves to cuddle and melts my heart daily.

We love our "Surprise" baby ...