Maybe an end in sight?

I haven't posted much lately. Not because I have not wanted to. I have. I really have. I don't want to sound negative all the freakin time...I am thankful and many moments out of the day my heart and spirit are beaming.



I withdraw, I try not to but I do.



Tonight my tears came from out of know where. Funny how small things set you off. I wasn't trying to make my husband feel bad when I called him to see where he was on his journey home (so I could start his dinner) but as soon as I started to ask him , I started bawling. Him having no idea what the hell just happened, asked me ever so gently if I was okay. I mean he could have said what is wrong with you?? Are you crazy? Do I need to call my mom to come over? Should I check you into the mental hospital?



Of course I was okay, I was just overwhelmed. I found out today that my surgery has been set for the 12th of March. I have had surgeries, lots of them but I think I was overwhelmed that this one could be the ONE..you know Like the one that works!??



I cried and cried. I know he knows that I am in pain everyday and every moment. He knows I suck it up ALOT of the time. He knows how this injury has affected my parenting and my life. He knows how much I long to feel "better" he knows everything about the chronic condition.



He also knows I don't want to stop living. He knows I want to get out of bed everyday and try to be the best I can be. He sees me push myself till I can't push anymore. He sees how people judge me for not having a visible injury to the eye.



He didn't have to say anything on the phone tonight...I know he would fix it in a moment if he could. I know that he continues to take care of me and I know that he is EXCITED to see an end in sight. I don't share his excitement. I wish I did. The pessimistic side of me wonders if I will endure yet another year of this.



I don't want to. I want to get better. I want to be better.



And you know what I love more then anything?? On the days I feel defeated, he lifts me up and on the days he feels defeated I lift him up...



Sound cheesy?



That's okay. I'll take it.