Surprise, Surprise

I am 34 years old.

I have no stress in my life ( so I thought) I have a good life. Good support. Great husband.

None of that mattered. NONE of it. Zilch. Natta.

I continued having these episodes. I would run to my bed. Try to breathe. I can't. I have to relax.

There is no trigger. My body and brain feel as though it is not connecting. My eye keeps twitching. Sweat running down my back.

As a child I never felt safe. I never felt complete. I would dream of safety.

I did not feel safe taking so medications. I also did not know that switching medications can cause attacks.

As I examine my life I do have stress. I am the mom to 3 kids. I am the Take care of everything. look Perfect. House has to be perfect. Type of mom.

I would beat myself up mentally every night all at the same time I would give thanks to the Lord for the blessings. How does that work? Not sure.

I do not watch the news or anything about dying. I try to stay away from anything that can cause my mind to wonder into deep dark places. I can no longer watch shows involving abused, neglected children or read about children growing up in homes that are not stable ( I am not talking about your typical dysfunction) but stories of children beat and robbed of a childhood.

I hold on to it. I don't let it show. I don't want to be judged. I want to be perfect. I want perfect loving thoughts from my heart to my mouth. From my heart to my hands.

Striving for this is impossible.

Surprise. Surprise.

I am going crazy

Your heart is pounding, your chest aches, you can't catch your breath. You can't swallow, your arms are going numb. Your lips are numb, you feel faint. You feel CRAZY. Your going to die.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I think I am having a heart attack. I know for a fact I have not fallen in love all over again.

I am going crazy.

My stomach hurts. I can't think. I want to run and put on my shoes and run far way from this but I can't. I have to get help. I need help.

It is now 12 am and I can't control it anymore. I have my husband call 911. They hook me up to an EKG , my blood pressure is dropping extremely low I need oxygen. They bring me in to the hospital. They to are not sure of what is going on.

Run all the test they can. Everything looks good. They proceed to monitor me for awhile. My heart rate is well over 150 beats per minute. I still can't breath. I feel like I am going to die.

At this point they could tell me to take street drugs and I would do it. I would find a dealer and pump myself full of anything and everything just so I don't feel a damn thing.

Let me back up...the doctors had been switching my medications for about 3 weeks. I have a huge fear of medication to begin with. When your taking 5 different kinds of medication your simple wear yourself out thinking about how this might effect you. Then they go and wean me off one but put me on another. This is not working. They give me a new one. My stomach is in knots. I can't leave the bed except to go the bathroom. I am sweating. Not sleeping. Satan has taken over my thoughts and my body, Therefor increasing my panic attacks. Another trip to the ER. I am have not been diagnosed with having the "crazies" but with panic attacks induced by drug withdraw.

I am prescribed 3 medications. I don't take them for a week. Thinking this is way to many pills for a person my age to take. They sit in my purse. I go back to the doctor. I have a small attack just waiting for him to enter the room. I breathe. I try to relax my body and bring my thoughts some place else. He gets upset with me and assures me that the medications will not kill me but make me better. He swore on a stack of bibles.

I go home taking the first round of pills. Nothing changes. Day 2 I take the days worth of pills nothing changes. I can't get out of bed. I am afraid to go the grocery store. I can't drive. I don't want to be home alone with the kids. I can't go anywhere. I tried church 3 times each time bolting out of the door like a mad women. I can't breath. I am dizzy. I can't do this.

I can't even read about panic attacks because I will have one.

I am crazy.

I make an appointment to talk to someone. I find that this is very common. I start to understand what is going on with me. I read a few books. I have one book " Anxious For Nothing" that was mailed to me by an anonymous friend. ( thank you Thank You THANK YOU)

I have read it 3 times and go to it everyday.

I am not crazy.

The rest of the story will continue..but my kids have turned themselves into Mike Tyson in the bath tub.

Therapy

Here it is Monday morning. I hate Monday's. Okay I hate most days of the week. All the days of the week always involve demanding children, bills, cleaning and relationships..days running into days. No set schedule. No pressing meetings that make me feel like I have any sort of life outside of this job ( Please don't get me wrong, I am BLESSED to stay home with them)

I have wrapping paper shoved into couch cushions, you would think because they are hidden I would forget about them. No such luck I know them little pieces are stuffed in there along with candy wrappers from Halloween, popcorn, pens, pencils but I know there is no money in there if there was I would be at the Casino

At least my tree is down. The holiday closet is back to normal ( all shoved in there) so I don't dare open the door for the fear of an Easter basket of valentines decoration hitting my head knocking me out ( not a bad thing) and then making me get really uptight at the lack of organization my husband possesses.

My almost 3 year old still eats baby cereal everyday. I have tried oatmeal, cream of wheat but no he insists I buy the 3.50 box of Gerber baby cereal. Can't you just eat crappy sugar filled Fruity Pebbles like your mom? I am willing to share.

My lights are still up around the house. Yes, go ahead drive by and laugh. The more you laugh the longer I will keep up my inflatables. I lost 3 inflatables this year. ( poor Santa ripped his pants) So I am stuck with the Chubby snowman ( that we bought when we where fat people so it was kinda funny) and a polar bear. I am thinking since my lights are red & white they will look very festive as Valentines day rolls around. Just remember that when you drive by.

Hoping the sun does not shine today. If it does then I will be able to see the art work my child has drawn in the dust on my black shelving. I hate black furniture. Dusting every other month day just doesn't cut it.

I am really hoping they have all day kindergarten next year. I really need my 5 year old gone all day it would really help her in her academic future.

It maybe snowing outside and colder then my freezer but I had to crack teenagers window today. I just about threw up in my mouth when I went to put his clothes away. Boys stink. Until you have a puberty stricken , sweat coming from every pore you will never understand the stench a boy can have.

I could give you a more inspiring post or something up lifting but this is my life. This is my therapy. Judge all you want. I really don't care. This is my 2011 resolution. If you want to visit me that is great. I am not going to worry if there is a million slimy soap filled hand prints on my bathroom mirror, toothpaste spit out all over the place ( I will make sure my toilet seat is free from urine) If my garbage stinks don't worry I will spray some really strong room spray so you gag when you walk in. Shortening your visit.

I have 37 clocks all over the house all in testing mode. Good thing I have 3 mantels through out the house. You can know what time it is everywhere you go or you can watch the clock and lie to me that it is time to go because my kids are screamers and fight over the stupidest stuff.

They are quiet now but that can change in about .1 seconds.

I am in my pajamas really contemplating dropping my child off looking like I just crawled out of bed but since I have to look like I have it all together and I stink I will shower and look some what normal when I drop her off. I wish we had drive Thru drop off. Now that is a concept.

Welcome to my blog. Welcome to my therapy.

One Last Post

Figured I would write the final post for 2010...

2010 was a good year...It could have been worse.

We still are all here.

We are taken care of by grace and mercy.

Jeremy has a job.

Matthew is doing great in school.

Olivia turned 5 and is giving me a run for my money.

Carter will be 3 in a few months and although he still has an occasional bout with his stomach issues he is healthy and off all medications.

Mikey is doing good. He is going school and working. I am very proud of him.

I am going to focus on myself . Giving more to others. Building relationships and nurturing the ones I have.

I have no specif goals for 2011 ...I quit making resolutions long ago...because I can't keep them.

Honesty is always the best policy ;)

I am Thankful for those who have walked along side of me over the past year. I am thankful for everyone who has prayed, brought meals and helped out with the kids.

It takes a village to raise children.

You can never ever have enough people love you or your children.

Happy New Year!!

296 pounds

Yep, that is what our total so far is in our weight loss journey.

I have no idea why I am sharing this or even giving it a title.

I am trying to find a blessing in each and everyday.

Play-doh is not as fun as what it looks like on TV.

It should snow and quit being cold.

The kids should really learn the Fruits of the Spirit.

I should really thrown on some jeans and fluff my hair before my hubby comes home.

I am working on not complaining or grumbling when doing things for my family, myself or others.

I am randomly blogging so you won't forget about me.

Billy Madison is still a funny classic.

My teenage son is full of teenage angst.

I will soon be registering Miss America for School and Carter for preschool ( God willing he learns not to pee outside or on the floor)

When I have free time I am going to decorate the house ( if you know me, your laughing)

Over the last few months God is testing me, he is given me what I can handle as long as I have trust and faith in him.

I am guarded by nature.

2011 I will strive to LIVE and not go through the motions.

I will laugh more. Worry Less.

Carter John Deere

Oh, I know I have not blogged in forever. I will fill you in later on why but for now I want to share a few things about my baby AKA Carter John Deere.

That is what he calls himself as he is decked out with his John Deere sweatshirt and hat. For Christmas he received 9 John Deere trucks & trailers. The kid is in heaven. I just love watching him play with all his trucks, tractors & trailers.

About a month ago I could hear him screaming on the kitchen counter. I ran into the kitchen only to find blood coming from his mouth and Miss America telling me she was going to her room for a big time out.

It took only seconds for me to realize she had used the toe nail clippers on his tongue. YIKES!! he cried for a few seconds as my mom was here and shoved a towel in his mouth so we could see how much damage had been done. Lucky for us ,very little had been cut. He cried for a few seconds and now tells anyone who listens his Lala ( Olivia) cut his tongue with scissors, oh, that's great. Some secrets are meant to be kept in our home ( not that I am blogging about it)

He tells me this morning that going on the potty makes him sick and his back hurts so he needs to wear his diaper.

He takes my coffee and always asks for a "little bit " and that means 2 big gulps , puts down the cup and exclaims he has germs.

If I do something he doesn't like ( like say no to having his pliers grip my nose) he tells me I am on the naughty list.

He is loud. He doesn't mean to be it is just his personality. He loves people and birthdays. We have let him have his way one to many times ( give me a break he is the baby) when it comes to blowing out other peoples candles. We have a string of birthday's from September to December , each time we sing for the birthday person we must relight the candles and let him do it.

I am so thankful for my Carter John Deere. He always has a smile , he loves to cuddle and melts my heart daily.

We love our "Surprise" baby ...

3 kids..3 times the Loot!

Benefit #376 of having more then one kid....

I get to rummage through 3 bags of candy..eat all the Almond Joys , hide over half of it and use it for Easter Candy or a PMS craving.

Just sayin'

Sassy Sumo's

How can you not love a sumo wrestler?? Especially since they are 2 & 5 years old??
I love Halloween costumes! We pulled up the bins this year and everyday for 3 weeks the kids wore crazy costumes. I was again reminded on why I collect them. They are fun. The create memories and most of all you laugh.

The best part is when these Sumo's run their butt & bellies shake..

Friday's Facts...

Thankful For:

No more calls from politicians telling me why I should vote for them. Arghhh..18 missed calls in one day can drive a person crazy. One of my friends turned off her ringer for days. Another one weighed her junk politics mail..2.8 pounds of flyer's. Seriously!

Listening To:

Toy Story 3

What's For Dinner:

Taco's...

Looking Forward To:

Putting up my Christmas tree. I found some AWESOME decorations last year for 10 cents each! I am going to have a Pink & Teal Tree. I can't wait. If you drive by next week and it is up. Please don't say a word!

I am Missing:

I still have not found my housekeeper. ;)

Quote of the week:

" Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."

De-Funk De-Junk

I logged into blogger last night. First time in about a month. I think I just felt overwhelmed and the fact that the one thing my mom always told me was "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all ". Not that I follow this rule. Not that I am good at following this rule but you get the idea. I sometimes have no filter and things just come out of my mouth. Truth be told I am working on this.

People disappoint me. People make me angry. People are people and that's what makes the world go around.

I realize that everyone is different. It is hard not to judge one another. However when their actions display the same thing over and over again, how do you keep from telling them that they have hurt you? That they are bringing you down? What if these people are are your family? Your friends? Do you continue to just "love " them?

I wish that I could blog about something upbeat but I can't today. I am not sure if it is emotions getting the best of me or my chronic pain that seems to have taken over my life.

Whatever it maybe I need to really de-funk and de-junk my life.

This is the 4th post I have written today. I am going to post this one. If not for me then for you...my stalkers. I am alive, I am holding my own.

Next post will be a happy one. A thankful one.