Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Adapting...

Thank you for being patient with me...I have wanted to blog many times for you..filling you in on every detail of my life. Most of the time I get to the log in page and then don't even log in..I have no idea why..Maybe it is just that I am not feeling good. Yes, I am in pain..yes, I am trying to recover ( from what I am not sure about as I don't think this surgery worked) My heart hurting.

I need to just say it...This isn't funny or fair anymore. I am getting frustrated with every "test: that is coming our families way! I am wanting to throw in the towel..walk away..let some other women come in and take care of this family. A women who can do the job. I am feeling defeated. I am feeling as though I am such a hindrance to these precious people in my life.

The whole time I was in the hospital...I kept thinking..that I am a mom..a wife..this is MY calling..I figured it out..I LOVE doing what I did. I make no more apologizes for having 3 kids..I will no longer feel guilty that maybe we couldn't afford them, I will no longer care if our super size troop doesn't conform to what other people think. I like the chaos, I enjoy the Love, the hunger for the rat race..

The days where lonely...and yes, I am not that good of a patient..I am not a fan of visitors when I am there..only because I am NOT feeling good..

Here where the highlights of my stay...the small things that kept the spirit alive in me..

* My Mom T surprising me by bringing in my Carter..I cry now thinking of this. It was such a blessing...I can't describe how I felt touching his for head..Stroking his hair...Smelling his hair..

* Calling my friend Jenn just to cry...asking her if she was coming by that day..I think it was only 8:30 am but I just had to know she didn't forget about me..

* I called my mother in law that same day , same morning crying...and she listened....she told me I would have bad days and good days..and most of all I felt the love...

* I knew I didn't have to call home to check on the kids..I was pretty much out it but in my heart I knew that my kids where taken care of and that made the days better...

I want to say a few things...

Yes, I am alive , there has been no physical death in my family and for that I am thankful...but I want this to convey that grief is grief...sometimes we WILL lose apart of something, maybe an identity, belief or a life style change...no matter what it maybe, how small it is..if it changes who or what you want to be You must learn to adapt...

adapting...that is all I have for today.

4 ...Stalker Comments:

Tiff

Honey, I'm praying for you. I am praying for a miracle, that God would show Himself to you and PROVE that this is exactly where you belong. And I pray for the pain to go away, once and for all! I love you!!

Heather D

You are so loved, Tiff and we're all pulling for you. Anything, anything you need, please ask. Even if you just need to bitch, I'm here. Got it? Good.

Brandon and Kari Mulder
This comment has been removed by the author.
3 little and 2 big liks

oh dear tiff....
i don't know all the details but wanted you to know that i'm going to log off and spend a few mins. in prayer for you.
thank you for being honest with how you feel. i've SOOO been there.
praying......