What to do?

I am smiling.

My heart is full.

Small things...

I made it down 2 stairs
I french braided Miss America's hair
I carried my own coffee to my desk without a walker
I was able to put lotion on my leg without having to cry due to the pain.
Being left alone for an hour

My family is at Church. It makes me a sad knowing they are there and I am here but I am so overjoyed at the Small progress I made all ready today.

Yesterday Jeremy was home...( he has worked every Saturday for about 3 years) I couldn't have been in a better mood! I didn't realize how much I missed that extra day of the week that we could have him. He took the kids to the grocery store...

Here are the highlights

* They screamed through the store
* wouldn't stay in the cart
* the cookie they give you only lasted 3 minutes and created a huge mess

I love hearing his stories when he comes home after running errands with them...Part of me wants to say " I told you so , See what I go through? " But I don't...I don't need too...Jeremy really does appreciate me and I know that and I see that...

No nap for the kids yesterday...Jeremy tired them out do we could put them to bed around 7:30 and watch a movie. We are not movie people. We enjoy movies however we are never running out to get the latest movie or to the theaters. I mean c'mon it takes 2 hours just to watch Criminal Minds between all the distraction around here :)

We ordered Couples Retreat on Pay-Per-View. It wasn't all that good. I thought it would have been better. Now, Blind Side was a GREAT movie! I rented that one the other day. If you have not seen it..Make a date and watch it!

I am enjoying my 3rd cup of coffee...listening to the dryer, organizing my thoughts on how today can be just as successful as yesterday was...

Friday Facts..

It is Friday!

NO rain and the sun is shining..lifting my spirits...God is SOOO good..I needed a "sunny day"...I mean when your Best Friend comes over with a 3.oo skirt for your child and you burst into tears because you are just a nut job looking for some normalcy to your week
You know you need something...sun , coffee, chocolate, wine, on-line shopping...something..


Thankful For:

Showering all by myself under 45 minutes..being able to walk a few feet without a walker..propping up my pillows in bed without feeling like I need pharmacy. I am thankful for my caretakers...Is it hard having people arrive at 7:30 am to help you do normal stuff...Like coffee and showering...But really without them..I would be in a rest home..So I am forever grateful.



Listening To:

Olivia ask me to an Arts & Crafts..AGAIN...Carter trying to help my mom do laundry...Olivia trying to convince me she needs a new outfit for Easter..I mean never mind she has 3 new dresses hanging in her closet for the big special Easter Day..

What's For Dinner:

Our family & friends have been so gracious....We are SOO grateful for the time and attention people have put into our family...I know how much I enjoy bringing people meals when they "need it" but I when I get better..I am going to bring random meals to people who are just having an "off " week..and even if it is not just an off week..it could just mean a break for that busy family....

Looking Forward To:

Finding out WHY I am in such pain....Why? Why? Why?

Missing:

Nothing really....Just everyday duties that I can do..but I am sure give me a few weeks and I will be missing "simple" days ...:)

Quote of the week:

God is Good..he is faithful. He gives us what we need...he knows what we need and will never forsake us...EVER!

The real deal..

The TV is blaring. I hate that blasted loud obnoxious thing.

I would rather have another kid then some loud yelling stranger sitting in my living room.

Carter is in his diaper throwing goldfish crackers at the dog on the deck and it is raining. Matthew is teaching Olivia how to operate the DVD machine. Great...she'll break it and we will need another one.

Jeremy is walking around like a Zombie...not sure what he is feeling but I am sure it involves feeling sorry for himself. He can. He is on overload. He is different then me. He shuts down when on overload. I go into overhaul mode..making to-list, planning for tomorrow, redecorating in my head, planning meals for next week...and then I never act on it..it is just a process..I have list every where...

Carter is now out of his diaper..needing another haircut..I need my hair done. My eyebrows are growing together...really they are. Next time you come over...I will let you take a picture of the unabrow...

Miss America is learning to read. Sight words..It has been kinda fun teaching her...I learned a ton of neat ways to teach Matthew his sight words and passing it on to Liv has been so rewarding.

I love my family. We are loud. We are fun. We are in our pajamas...debating if we should make another snack, talk nice to our sister, feed the dog, take away the sharp knife from Carter, or put a bag in the garbage can.

We are the real deal.

Adapting...

Thank you for being patient with me...I have wanted to blog many times for you..filling you in on every detail of my life. Most of the time I get to the log in page and then don't even log in..I have no idea why..Maybe it is just that I am not feeling good. Yes, I am in pain..yes, I am trying to recover ( from what I am not sure about as I don't think this surgery worked) My heart hurting.

I need to just say it...This isn't funny or fair anymore. I am getting frustrated with every "test: that is coming our families way! I am wanting to throw in the towel..walk away..let some other women come in and take care of this family. A women who can do the job. I am feeling defeated. I am feeling as though I am such a hindrance to these precious people in my life.

The whole time I was in the hospital...I kept thinking..that I am a mom..a wife..this is MY calling..I figured it out..I LOVE doing what I did. I make no more apologizes for having 3 kids..I will no longer feel guilty that maybe we couldn't afford them, I will no longer care if our super size troop doesn't conform to what other people think. I like the chaos, I enjoy the Love, the hunger for the rat race..

The days where lonely...and yes, I am not that good of a patient..I am not a fan of visitors when I am there..only because I am NOT feeling good..

Here where the highlights of my stay...the small things that kept the spirit alive in me..

* My Mom T surprising me by bringing in my Carter..I cry now thinking of this. It was such a blessing...I can't describe how I felt touching his for head..Stroking his hair...Smelling his hair..

* Calling my friend Jenn just to cry...asking her if she was coming by that day..I think it was only 8:30 am but I just had to know she didn't forget about me..

* I called my mother in law that same day , same morning crying...and she listened....she told me I would have bad days and good days..and most of all I felt the love...

* I knew I didn't have to call home to check on the kids..I was pretty much out it but in my heart I knew that my kids where taken care of and that made the days better...

I want to say a few things...

Yes, I am alive , there has been no physical death in my family and for that I am thankful...but I want this to convey that grief is grief...sometimes we WILL lose apart of something, maybe an identity, belief or a life style change...no matter what it maybe, how small it is..if it changes who or what you want to be You must learn to adapt...

adapting...that is all I have for today.

Still lying in bed doing nothing...

Not that I Can really do anything. I mean I am very limited. Typing sucks. The letters are so close, or I am pushing the happy pill way to many times.

I was to leave Saturday....Tomorrow will be Wednesday. So Not quite sure when I will be leaving. I am going to bed..Hoping to have a clear mind tomorrow so I Can spend the day blogging instead of feeling sorry for myself...

Ask all the questions you want....I shall answer and you shall help me pass the time!

Friday Facts...

I am siting here in my pajamas..No coffee for me...I am off to have my 4th back surgery. Yes, my 4th. You would think I am a pro at doing this whole procedure thing..cleaning the house, packing my bags, writing to-list and worrying about my kids.

Thankful For:

Family & friends. Everyone who helps my family and takes care of my little kids though out each journey of this well traveled road.



Listening To:

The news..Jeremy in the shower and my mom getting her cup of coffee..she will need a whole pot...taking care of 2 little kids can do that to you..

What's For Dinner:
Dear friends bringing over dinner for my family, I will be staying in the hospital.


Looking Forward To:
Days of pain free living..This could be the Surgery that will make this dream come true..

Missing:

Quote of The Week:

DO NOT PEE ON THE FLOOR! ( Carter trying to Potty train)

Sorry for the short post..I am in my pajamas..I need to leave in 10 minutes.. Thank you for lifting me and my family up in prayer...Now off to get the best 4 hour nap of my life!

Friday Facts...What are yours?

A good Mix

Has an obsession with shoes & bike helmets

She is looking for treasure

He is trying really hard to play solitaire..it wasn't working out for him.

My older boys....

Ready for dance...had to play Mickey Mouse Clubhouse one more time.

I will try to blog more soon...I couldn't believe it had been almost 10 days since the last post.

Surgery is coming up...I will fill you in later...for now I will be going to bed...

New Bed..Once Step Closer

We are slowly working on Miss America's room. She got her new bed on Friday.

We set it up this week and the first night she had to have Matthew sleep on the trundle right next to her. She tried to convince the whole family that they needed to sleep in her room.

More to come.....

Our Little Greenhouse

We have started our tomato's and our first attempt at watermelon. Matthew is enjoying this part of our "homeschooling" He is loving the hands on work. Not loving the fact he has to read about weeds, grass and soil. He is taking great pride in watering and making sure that the greenhouse is brought into the garage at night, just in case we get a deep freeze.

Farmer John

Hammer, Overalls, Cars and one boy equals pure love...

The days are flying by so fast and I am enjoying having a 2 year old in the house...The days are never boring. They are packed with energy, meltdowns and snuggles. To think this is my baby...the last one...makes me savior it and get all mushy.

Yep..she really wore this

I wasn't going to fight her. I pick my battles. This was not one of them. You wanna wear your Tutu Ballerina outfit to the doctors and grocery store, go ahead.

Hey, Put your boots on too!

It will "complete" your look.



Oh, How I Love thee.....

I want her to be a Girl Scout

I really really really hope Miss America wants to be a Girl Scout. If she doesn't Then Will sign her up to sell cookies hoping she gets a discount

I will purchase them. I will eat them. Not one or two or three but the entire box.

I have weakness. There has to be a fan page on Facebook for" Stay at Home moms who eat entire boxes of Girl Scout Cookies"

Seriously.

There is a problem with my butt & thighs when I consume a whole box in one sitting.

In my defense.

They have made the packages smaller.

Bad Blogger...

Pictures have NOTHING to do with the blog title...

Here is Ms. Macy Jean...Cousin Kristin's newest family member....Aren't these just the cutest pictures??? Brooke at ROXSEY is just so darn talented! I love the hat! I just had to order this for her from Sarah at SLO DAY DESIGNS....awww... I have SOOO many talented friends!!

Yes, I have been unfaithful in blogging lately.

Sorry.

I have a few minutes before I must pick up Miss America from School. I think I have a few minutes, that is if Mr. Carter doesn't take off his Crappy diaper and bring it to me.

So What is going on besides forgetting to bring Cousin Kristin Dinner??

Alot. I have had 3 appointments so far just for the upcoming surgery and 3 more pre-op scheduled for next week. Doctors never seem to run on time so I make them for early morning however even doing that still makes for a long day.

Matthew had the stomach flu. It came on fast just like everyone else in the House. I was delivering dinner to another family and he looked at me and said "mom I don't feel good. " I told him to at least let me back out of the their driveway....I made it barely. Poor kid felt so bad. He still is not having an appetite. But that's what happens with that virus. No fun.

Olivia still has a the rash. I was referred to a dermatologist. So hoping it is nothing to serious.

I will be taking Carter back to Children's sometime after my surgery for a follow up . He still throws up but not near as much. He has gained 2 pounds in 4 months.

Jeremy's will be celebrating his 36th birthday this week...I keep teasing him that he is really close to 40 and if I see a Corvette parked in the driveway I will understand his mid-life crisis.

My heart is heavy today. Jeremy lost his Aunt after a ten year battle with Cancer. She was only 58 years old. So heartbreaking. I could not imagine losing my mom or my mother in law at this time in our life or anytime. I think at this time in our life we still need them just about everyday. We need them to always be a phone call away...my prayers have been spoken for the entire family.

I have a very busy 2 weeks before surgery so I am sorry to all you faithful readers if I am still unfaithful in blogging...I will try to get "back at it " when I start feeling better...or when I hire a planner for my planner...

Happy Monday!!