Cycle of Sadness...

Not enough tears will bring him back. Not enough begging to God will bring him back. Not enough wishing, hoping or praying will bring him back.

I wish it would. I know my husband wishes it would. I know my kids wishes it would.

It happened. Nobody wants it to happen. Nobody wants to say good bye to a loved one...But we did.

Where do we go from here? Is the song on the radio always going to make you cry? Is a place that brings  back memories always going to make you cry?

 Is the memories always going to make you cry?

I don't think so...I think soon enough in our time those memories will be filled with the remembrance of the smile, the laugh, the craziness and the awe we had for him.

You want so much to fix it for your husband. You can't. You want to wiggle your nose, click your heals for his mom & dad and bring him back, you just can't.

You can't.

What you can do it trust in God's perfect plan for all of this. Do we understand it? No...I don't. I believe in God and I do trust in his plan.

But.....

I don't understand it. I don't like it. It sucks.

I do know that we will see him again. I do know that he would not want such sadness. Easy to say, hard to accept.

My husband lost his dad in a car accident when he was 3.

Does he wish his dad was here?
Yes.

Could he walk around and blame everyone, be angry, and hate what life handed him?
Yes.

Does he?

No...my husband is amazing. He may not understand why..but he knows without the loss, life would have been different. I get sad for him...he doesn't. He really trust that God has and had a plan from the beginning. How amazing is that? I am always in awe of it...

I don't how to act or what to say. I try to be respectful of every one's cycle of grief. I know that we will never all be on the same cycle. My memories are not their memories. My conversations with him where just that, mine. I cherish them. I don't compete with them. I don't try to boast about them. I tuck them away in my heart and use them for sad days.

Yes, I cry when I hear a certain song. Yes, I want someone to blame. Yes, I want God to fix it. I want him to fix it like YESTERDAY....But I do know it doesn't work like that.

When I sit here...My heart is heavy.

Man, I wish I could just change it...the Whole.Entire.Thing.