Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Why all the Post's?


I am in pain. I can't do much of anything. I feel as though a Mack truck has driven right over my arse and someone is rotatiling their garden down my leg.

MRI last Friday has shown ONCE again that I can't catch a break. My disc has herniated.

Pain has taken over my life. Don't try to sneeze, wink, walk or cough it just might bring you to tears.

After 3 days of why me thoughts and questioning why God would do this to me AGAIN I finally gave up. If everything works out for his glory then I must TRUST that. Do you know how hard it is to trust when you can't walk? Your right leg, butt and feet are so numb, they have no idea that they must move when you do?

I just felt as though I had finally or was finally coming to terms that I would have chronic pain. I had my medications where we needed them. I started counseling to help me grieve the life I had given up and the life I was going to embrace.

I try not to focus on the bad parts of this, if I do Satan creeps into my mind taking me to deep places and them deep place create full blown panic attacks. Which I can say happily I have over come them ( so far)

Medications have no been revised which allow me to function but not at the pace I am used to. I crawl down the stairs and up the stairs to do laundry. It makes me happy to do the laundry but not so happy on how to get there.

I have much more time for my kids now. I am not wiping my counter 50 times a day and walking behind them picking up messes. Somethings have to go....

Jeremy said to me last night as I was crying about how much pain I was in , that he could see it and that this is his reality too. I never really thought about that. I know he misses the old me. I know Matthew misses the old me.

I don't grieve over that. I am still who I am. They get all I have to offer. I still make lunches, I still clean up after them and I still love to spend time with them. Some of things that suck are not being able to take off on a whim, go to the mountains, go swimming without help or do things without asking for help. I can see where they would grieve these things.

So , here I sit working on the posts about 5 minutes at a time...but it helps me. I have always said blogging to me in therapeutic. I miss it. When your in a funk and life seems to be out of your control lthe last thing you want to do is share anything. However, I am in a funky spot and life will always be out of control.

So I play the waiting game...what is the next step? More then likely another surgery. Making this number 5. I would have rather had 5 kids not 5 surgeries.

Pray for me but most of all pray for my family.