Lost in the trenches...

Lost..my thoughts always swirl in my head. I have mentioned that before. I want to blog. I want to write. I want to publish a book someday. My crazy life. However I have been lost and confused on what I should write or even what I should blog. I realized last night laying in bed that even if I don't share my story I can share my kids and there NOT so funny to me, but to everyone else they are.

My last surgery was not as successful as I had hoped. I went for a CT scan last week and of course my Doctor is out of the country. Go figure. Like he needs a break. Just joking he is a kick a** doctor who cares alot about his patients including me. I have been going to him for over 6 years.

Feels like I have someone stepping on my tail bone every minute of everyday. I continue my job as a mom and a wife but there are days I just want to do nothing. Crawl in bed and eat Oreo Balls...no joke. My counselor wouldn't think that was the best idea but I can disagree with someone who has BA degree in physc, right?!?

Yes, I have been seeing a counselor for over a year. It helps alot. If I go more then two weeks without seeing him my life seems to be out of control. I know I have a God but sometimes I get angry with him ( not a good thing) for this...this life...the one that started at birth.

I was telling my counselor how jealous I was of certain people ( for many reasons) like they have a job, they are committed room moms, they don't need drugs....and he asked me if I was to give them 5 back surgeries would they be the same person??

The answer was NO...their whole life would be changed.

I worry. I worry more then the average joe. I hate it. I hate going through each day learning to change my thought process. I hate knowing that it is all mental.

Sooooo....Mix mental with physical and you get someone lost in the trenches.

Another reason I quit blogging is the spelling Nazi's I have out there. I should have paid more attention in high school. I get that. Or in elementary school or in middle school...whatever. I am who I am.

If you critique my blog then don't read it. My insecurity is no more. I am who I am. I would have paid more attention..but when your home life sucks and you feel the way I did, you are not in the state of mind to pay attention.

So once again..I say I am back..my therapy for me is this..

The Story of My Life.....