Adapting...

Thank you for being patient with me...I have wanted to blog many times for you..filling you in on every detail of my life. Most of the time I get to the log in page and then don't even log in..I have no idea why..Maybe it is just that I am not feeling good. Yes, I am in pain..yes, I am trying to recover ( from what I am not sure about as I don't think this surgery worked) My heart hurting.

I need to just say it...This isn't funny or fair anymore. I am getting frustrated with every "test: that is coming our families way! I am wanting to throw in the towel..walk away..let some other women come in and take care of this family. A women who can do the job. I am feeling defeated. I am feeling as though I am such a hindrance to these precious people in my life.

The whole time I was in the hospital...I kept thinking..that I am a mom..a wife..this is MY calling..I figured it out..I LOVE doing what I did. I make no more apologizes for having 3 kids..I will no longer feel guilty that maybe we couldn't afford them, I will no longer care if our super size troop doesn't conform to what other people think. I like the chaos, I enjoy the Love, the hunger for the rat race..

The days where lonely...and yes, I am not that good of a patient..I am not a fan of visitors when I am there..only because I am NOT feeling good..

Here where the highlights of my stay...the small things that kept the spirit alive in me..

* My Mom T surprising me by bringing in my Carter..I cry now thinking of this. It was such a blessing...I can't describe how I felt touching his for head..Stroking his hair...Smelling his hair..

* Calling my friend Jenn just to cry...asking her if she was coming by that day..I think it was only 8:30 am but I just had to know she didn't forget about me..

* I called my mother in law that same day , same morning crying...and she listened....she told me I would have bad days and good days..and most of all I felt the love...

* I knew I didn't have to call home to check on the kids..I was pretty much out it but in my heart I knew that my kids where taken care of and that made the days better...

I want to say a few things...

Yes, I am alive , there has been no physical death in my family and for that I am thankful...but I want this to convey that grief is grief...sometimes we WILL lose apart of something, maybe an identity, belief or a life style change...no matter what it maybe, how small it is..if it changes who or what you want to be You must learn to adapt...

adapting...that is all I have for today.