God's Plan

I am not one to always question God's plan. I know that he has plans far from what we can see. I believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes reason we can't see now or maybe never in our life time.

I believe he places people in our life for a reason. He places these people just at the right time. If you look and search you will find that.

Uncle Brad's Death maybe something I can never fully understand. I don't cry out to God on why Brad had to leave us. In my heart I know it had to be for a reason. I do get angry. We all know that is just hurt. Hearts break and the life we know is put on pause. Each day you muddle through the day. You have a memories....

There is a new show called the Bible. We where laying in bed watching it and I looked over to Jeremy and said " I know your brother would have loved this show!"

 He would have been researching it for us and coming back with all these questions and answers. He would have spent hours upon hours researching it all. Things like that make me smile but at the same time make me sad. Sad that I never really saw the depth of his soul in full.

I look at my children...I never want them to stop wondering, pondering and dreaming big.

I had a twenty dollar bill in my wallet ( rare for me to have cash) and I went to pay for my coffee...as I drove away from the drive-through tears filled my eyes. During the process of planning Brad's celebration of life Papa ( his dad) had said if " He ( Brad) had 20.00 bucks he was a millionaire and if he had a place to lay his head he had a home"

Sometimes it will hit you when your not searching, when your not thinking and it hurts. I hurt for his parents and his brothers.

My Step-mom has a football size tumor with other tumors growing on it in her stomach. She has been part of my life since I was 13. She has a been such a huge blessing to our family and even if her and my dad are not together, she is grandma to my children and a wonderful friend to me. She goes out of her way to make sure we are okay. On my bad days she is here doing laundry, helping mop, clean the bathrooms and watch the kids.
The tumors have not spread to her other organs. That is good news...but until they remove the Football size ( imagine that) tumor we will not know if it is Cancer or not.

I could not imagine her not with us....and that makes me sad. I can only pray that they remove it all and it is not Cancer.

I try not to worry. Impossible.

Keep Going....

Keep going...

You have people who depend on you. You have yourself ( that little scared girl ) who needs you.

Remember your fears are Satan's way of attacking you. Attacking your dreams. Your-self worth. Your hopes.

"Your body will never be healed" These words had more then just impacted my life. They changed my life. I try not to believe it however my body tells me different. My legs hurt...my back and hips hurt.

People mean well...they say stuff like walk more...stretch....join a class at the gym. I smile. I am sure they think I am curled up in a ball on the couch watching TV all day. I am sure they think this was all my fault due to not exercising.

 My BFF doesn't exercise and she is thin ( an can eat me under the table)  and has not had 6 back surgeries...but if she did it would not be her fault due to the fact she was thin.

Have a daily plan....

Working on it. Trying to incorporate all aspects of my life into plans.

My baby goes to school next year. I think it's time for another kid. What will I do with out him? What will I do with myself?

Put those pictures into albums!

Wow, one thing on my list..ha!

Working on the boundaries....

Let's just say it has been hard...sometimes you need them people to help you. I don't call and ask. That is hard...but I don't want that kinda of relationship. I want one that will go both ways.

We helped a family member this last week by getting her into a trailer to live in. She had been living in a dump. It was gross. No hot water to bathe. It was on a chunk of un-kept property. She was happy there...but deserved so much better. God fit everything together and even though she is living in a newer trailer now...on a great piece of property I could not imagine how that would feel. She is over the moon in love with her new place! She is grateful..

Please pray for her...she called today to let me know she could not babysit for me tomorrow...they found a soft-ball size tumor in her stomach. Here she is worried about how I will find a sitter for tomorrow and I had tears running down my cheeks praying as she spoke...Please don't let it be Cancer. Please God...

Anger....

Healing for me comes through writing.( I really want to write a book!)  I don't know if I was brave or stupid to write the last post. I do know that I am not the only one who goes through this life without struggles...and I only hope to help or relate to others. Sometimes I just need to vent.

In Other News....

Crazy neighbor herself called my daughter Overweight to her face. Nice huh? I should have kicked her out of my house..She said.." yes, you are overweight and need to learn to deal with it. Maybe you should just be funnier with your come backs when kids tease you"

Ummm..Hello Crazy...she is ONLY 7!!

Ugh...they are moving soon..I hope so..They leave garbage all over, so now we have a raccoon problem..and they don't know what yard work is so I have to look at the mess everyday. I went to clean up my fence line and crazy came out, yelling at me. I guess she likes leaves and sticks and spiders and bugs...I don't. It is my property..I am paying to dispose of it..we are going to just take down the fence to finish up the spring cleaning..she will have nothing to say. She was upset that I didn't ask to go and clean up the fence line. Calling me disregardful...hahaha...as her kid is climbing in the neighbors tree fort and throwing sticks in the other neighbors yard...this neighbor does not want kids back there.. Her kid was climbing in my tree in my front yard...only an hour after she got  mad at me. Really?

 I have never lived by a crazy person in all my life....It hurts. You try to be kind. I have wonderful relationships with all my neighbors and I have lived here just about 9 years. I have prayed for God to show me what I have done wrong...I have not really gotten any answers on it yet..but I am sure I have had my part in it....like not asking her if I could go on my property and clean up the leaves and sticks and garbage.

I ask God what should I be learning from this.....he asks us to Love thy Neighbor as thyself. I thought I was doing a good thing....I have even mowed their yard for them, blew the leaves for them and never even got a thank you...

 I am  " Go big or go home" kinda woman.  I love big and hurt big. I help out anyone I can when I can... the people who really know me, know this to be true.

My girlfriend came over  with some hair products...and she gave me firm instructions to only use a little bit...She knows me! I use it..I think a need a tad bit more. The whole time I am using it I am very careful to only use a little bit. My little bit turned my hair into a mess!

I texted her...I used to much product this morning! ha....

Her response was....hahahaha OMG I love this text! xoxoxo I got my daily laugh.

She so knows me!


Sorry for the long post.....I have a pinched nerve or something in my neck and have been just a tad bit bored. Feel free to comment me some advice , a funny joke or story!

~ Enjoy your life!

Truth be Told

Truth be told.

I have been to angry to blog. Anger has moved in., It has unpacked it's bags and is taking up space in my heart, but not paying rent.

I have tried to go with the flow. I have tried to smile behind the pain. I have let people walk all over me, I have not stood up for myself, my children or my family. I have let them say hurtful things to me and I have let them hurt my children by not saying anything.

I am  afraid that what I say will taken out of context. I know for a fact some will say I am over-reacting. Some will be mad at me and others will then in return blame me....and some might just walk away from me.

 A chance I am finally willing to make.

I have been nothing but kind...giving grace. To much grace.

Taking it all in..worrying about it. Causing me ulcers....

Truth be told again....

I am done.

I am done. I am done. DONE!

Boundaries...

Doesn't mean I don't love you. Doesn't mean I don't care for you. Doesn't mean I won't help you out.

It doesn't mean I don't love you.

It means I am keeping my safe distance. Protecting myself , my kids and my relationships with those who bring me joy.

I spent years of not letting my childhood define me or bring me down and I am not doing that again. I am trying so hard to not let this stuff define me. I am trying so hard to get through the day without going Bat shit crazy. Seriously.

Now I feel as though I have spent to much time letting others hurt me out of fear.

I know some do not mean to. I know some have good intentions. There are some who just don't care about how they make others feel.

They don't.

 I can't control them.

 Easy to type but very hard to accept.

I wish I could un-know things. But you can't do that either. Once you know something, you know it.

I know that Anger is Hurt.

I am working through the hurt and processing the anger.

Please respect me for who I am, how I react to things and my views on life.

If you can't then...I will not subject my kids or myself to be put in situations that cause hurt.

I know I am a good person and I know there are people who accept me for who I am and those are the people I want to be around.

Life is Short. That has been proven over the last few months. I am working on myself....sometimes others will get left behind in the journey and for the first time...I can accept that.

Man...it feels good to not hide how I feel anymore.

I know my God will work in me...and I know that the steps I make and do are not to cause harm but to bring Joy to him and to me.

~ For Joy comes in the morning~

My Drawers Runneth Over

When I had just a boy we only had one brush in the house.
Then I had a girl.
This sweet girl has a hair pretty for every outfit and if she doesn't I would buy one. I think the time has come that we use what we have.
 If I went to her room and my bathroom to collect the other pretties I would not have any drawers left.

As you can see I try to keep them organized. It is impossible....However, I do give my unorganized self credit for the attempt.

I am going to buy stock in SLO Day Designs.

Awww...the joys of having a girl...a girl after my own heart.

The bright side...I wear a few of them too...

Duck Feathers, Anyone???

 

Badge Of Honor

 

I guess.

 

Why does it have to be in my garage fridge?

 

Nobody wants duck feathers......

 

Yes, I am proud you got your first duck.

 

Not so proud the feathers are here.

 

Proud you cooked up your duck and ate it.

 

Not so proud the feathers are STILL here......

 

Love you Buddy!

Cycle of Sadness...

Not enough tears will bring him back. Not enough begging to God will bring him back. Not enough wishing, hoping or praying will bring him back.

I wish it would. I know my husband wishes it would. I know my kids wishes it would.

It happened. Nobody wants it to happen. Nobody wants to say good bye to a loved one...But we did.

Where do we go from here? Is the song on the radio always going to make you cry? Is a place that brings  back memories always going to make you cry?

 Is the memories always going to make you cry?

I don't think so...I think soon enough in our time those memories will be filled with the remembrance of the smile, the laugh, the craziness and the awe we had for him.

You want so much to fix it for your husband. You can't. You want to wiggle your nose, click your heals for his mom & dad and bring him back, you just can't.

You can't.

What you can do it trust in God's perfect plan for all of this. Do we understand it? No...I don't. I believe in God and I do trust in his plan.

But.....

I don't understand it. I don't like it. It sucks.

I do know that we will see him again. I do know that he would not want such sadness. Easy to say, hard to accept.

My husband lost his dad in a car accident when he was 3.

Does he wish his dad was here?
Yes.

Could he walk around and blame everyone, be angry, and hate what life handed him?
Yes.

Does he?

No...my husband is amazing. He may not understand why..but he knows without the loss, life would have been different. I get sad for him...he doesn't. He really trust that God has and had a plan from the beginning. How amazing is that? I am always in awe of it...

I don't how to act or what to say. I try to be respectful of every one's cycle of grief. I know that we will never all be on the same cycle. My memories are not their memories. My conversations with him where just that, mine. I cherish them. I don't compete with them. I don't try to boast about them. I tuck them away in my heart and use them for sad days.

Yes, I cry when I hear a certain song. Yes, I want someone to blame. Yes, I want God to fix it. I want him to fix it like YESTERDAY....But I do know it doesn't work like that.

When I sit here...My heart is heavy.

Man, I wish I could just change it...the Whole.Entire.Thing.

You're Responsible

Parenting is not easy. You are constantly trying to navigate through growing pains and hormones ( for those with teenagers). If you have not reached a certain age with your child then how about you keep your opinions to yourself? If you have not struggled in an area,  then how about you just listen. Don't tell me "what you would do."

You have not been there and if you ever do walk through the struggle I hope you have friends or a mentor who will encourage you.

My daughter who is 7 ( keep this in mind) knows that God has created us all different. Some have scars, some have no limbs, some look different and in her eyes some can look scary. Some people look beautiful to her and even if we don't see the good, children do.

 My daughter struggles with her weight.

This does not mean I chalk it up to genetics. This means I make her lunch for school every day but Friday's ( it is pizza day) I make sure she gets her outdoor time, I sign her up for activities and limit TV time. I have seen a nutritionist and talk to the doctor. I give her 10 pieces of Halloween candy and hide the rest or throw it away.

Do I fail sometimes...yes. Are some of my meals high in calories? Yes.

Do I cry for her when others call her fat? YES! Do I struggle with finding clothes that fit her and are age appropriate? YES!

 I get so mad when a child who is at the age to know better calls her names and then the parent makes excuses for why her child and on why he did what he did.I don't care if he felt left out, I don't care if he was tired and I don't care what you feed your child.  So if your child has a long day at school and work it will be okay for him to call you names? What about when he gets married? He has a long day at the office and goes home tired..wife says something he calls her names. This is what your setting your child up to do if you don't talk about dealing with emotions.

AND WHAT I HATE...........is when the MOTHER texts me that she has a diet for my daughter to go on.

Really? This was last week and I am still mad. Hurt. Sad. Confused on why this child was not disciplined. Why this mom thought it would be okay to divert the attention from her child back to mine.

I have a 16 year old. Until you have parented a teenager then don't tell me what I am doing wrong.

I will never forget when my oldest, who was 5 at the time called someone fat. He was in big trouble. I was mortified I thought he would never say that. I thought I covered the whole "being different" topic with him. I sat him onto the counter, put soap in his mouth and then continued to educate him on how words effect others.

We have a responsibility to teach emotions. Just like we have a responsibility on teaching them hygiene.

They don't know the difference between anger or hurt. Frustration. Irritation. disappointment. Anxiousness. Scared. Joy. Happiness. Contentment.

I am not trying to tell you how to parent your kids. I wasn't even sure I should write this. I did. I wanted to share with you on what a parent feels like, when their child is effected by this behavior.

I was mortified in the fact that the MOM ( who has 4 kids) whom I barely know, even if she lives right next door tells me she has a diet for my 7 year old.

I will bring that up to my Doctor. Oh, wait already did. Kids should not be on diets.

She has lost 11 pounds since the Summer...he was a bit concerned about that...but I told him we are trying really hard to help her make right choices, play outside more and get her involved with habits that will last a lifetime. He was happy with that.

Yes, it does hurt when you see kids who wear the size they should and they eat junk food all the time and never go outside. Here you sit trying to figure out ways to boost your child's self confidence. Do I cry for her. Yes.

A pop at Grandma's house is not going to make her fat. Having cases of pop ( I don't) at our house will. Having the every 2 month visit to fast food is not going to make her fat, going weekly will.

Until you have this struggle with your child in regards to this....You're responsible for keeping quite.

And why is it that we need more compassion for a child with Autism or a special needs or mental health issues? Why can't compassion just be the normal for all kids? Why can't we just have a special place in our hearts for all kids and adults who struggle with something? I see it all the time...We need Awareness for this and that.....What we need is to take responsibility for our own kids, to see that know matter what, we all have feelings, we are all unique and when you make fun of someone for any reason you are hurting someone.

Even if my daughter doesn't cry...I do for her.

Sleep

I figured out why I was so tired...let's just say my tummy is hurting..I will spare you the details. My body is saying slow down. My legs are saying slow down..give me a break. My tailbone is screaming " you're killing me"

My bed was calling my name at 7:30 last night...sleep came at 8:30. I was just not feeling well.

Woke up , showered and bed made by 7 this morning. Not to shabby...I would start laundry but my little one is still sleeping.

 I had to wake up my oldest one...he overslept. The truck was nice and warm for him. Yes, this mom goes out and warms up the truck for him. I am scared of the ice on his windows and peephole driving. My friends ( no names) called me to let me now that he was seen driving to school with just a small hole to see out of. Aww.. the joys of living in a small town and to see all the people who care about him.

I have noticed that my Princess is on her time. I have to be after her constantly about what time it is...This is new to me. She Lolly gags...she sings..she changes her outfit..she changes her hair pretties..she repacks her back pack....and the goes over the checklist a million times before everything is complete for her to get on the bus. Her backpack has to be packed just right. Her extra sweatshirt must be in her backpack. Maybe it is a girl thing???? I want to rip my hair out.

I am bring my mom to the airport today. She is going to Hawaii. I am happy for her....a bit sad I am not going. My uncle has a place there and has been there a month. When can I retire??? My mom does not travel much so this is a once in a lifetime trip for her.

If you plan on driving past my house and the lights are still up till February....keep in mind..Red & white are Valentine's day colors.

~ Enjoy your life!

Back To The Routine

Alarm goes off...push snooze 3 times. I barely slept. I was afraid of pushing the 4 year old little boy off the bed. 12am is to late to go to bed. I was afraid of over sleeping so instead I woke up about 5 times thinking about the crazy filled,meltdown over breakfast. can't find the shoes. where is the library books back to school routine.

As the hubby was leaving for work he proceeds to remind me to track my spending today. SHUT UP
It is the start of a New Year!! I want coffee and more of it. I stare at the computer.....Okay, I say. Knowing I am not going anywhere today so tracking my spending will be easy.

Olivia is up early. She didn't sleep good either. She was worried about her hair. I cut about 6 inches off and she wanted to make sure I had time to curl it. I found the time in between her 5th outfit change. After she looked beautiful..I hear the bus. I am yelling at her from the top of the stairs to hurry up the bus is here...she arrives in princess fashion to the door in ANOTHER outfit. I walk her out...she looks at me and smiles. Proud of her new look. I kiss her head and she tells me she will miss me.

Matthew worked on his truck yesterday. He made 3 trips to the Auto Store. He was proud of his work, as I would be! Only for his morning to fail when his truck only makes it 6 blocks. He comes back grabs the other set of keys and off to school he goes, late. CRABBY

Carter refuses to go to school and I didn't fight him. Not today. Not a battle I am picking with him today.

Here I am...still in my Yoga pants, you know the ones that have never seen Yoga? I feel drained. Tired. I have done nothing to really be tired. I thinks that's the problem. Getting started is the problem. I only have myself to blame. The guilt is not bad though...I still have no plans other then Laundry, bed making, Dinner prep and a shower. Wow, my life is groundhogs day.

Maybe, I will lay in the couch and watch a show...how about that for sprucing up the routine???

No Pinterest for me...it will make me feel like a failure...ha!

To be Less Self-centered

3 Blog post last year...2012 brought more into my life then any other year. I will re-cap the year in tomorrow's blog.

Yes, I am going to try and start blogging again. I want my kids to look back on my blog and see how  far life has come for them and us. I want them to see that we are a family. We laugh, cry, struggle and live.

I am struggling with where to begin. I am overwhelmed with what I should blog about. I have always been one to blog with what is on my heart. Maybe I should try to just do a Tiffiny blog and then a family blog. Then again, it all goes together, right!!???

I have not logged into blogger in over 11 months. Things have changed here...It took me a good 10 mins to figure out how to post again. I am sure I will get the hang of it again.

My heart today is heavy....ringing in the New Year just does not feel right when just weeks ago our family said good-bye to my brother in law Brad. Scared to face the emotions. Not sure how to act..not sure what to say. Not sure how to keep the memories of him alive for my kids...Unsure of my grief and sadness. I guess you just take one day at a time...it is crazy that when someone you love dies you think of them daily. My internal dialogue is bouncing back in forth....do I think of the ones who are still here with us daily? Over the last months I can say yes I do. More then I used to. Cousins, Aunts, Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, neighbors and friends....I think of them daily...even if a relationship is strained or I have set boundaries with them, I still think of them.

I don't fall for the Hype of New Years Resolution's....but this year I did....there was one thing on my list.

To SHOW I care about my loved ones and even strangers much more. Meaning to be less self-centered.